By - natoni11
My biodad who abandoned me when I was a baby decided when I was 18 he would try to rekindle the relationship. Had me move across the country to live with him and said he'd pay for college. Six months in the guy is charging me the same rent he's charging the tenant in the basement suite (mind you this was my STEPBROTHER) for my room and no school. Paid for that shit myself and moved out ASAP. Asshole was charging both kids for rent.
This is garbage, I’m so sorry you went through this, Christ.
Thank you, unfortunately a hard life lesson learned but I've grown and moved on
My son is 23 .. graduated college last year .. has a really good job .. and I let him and his girlfriend live with us for free so they can save for a house.. they are in a good spot to buy something this summer.. if I charge them rent it will just make it harder for them to get ahead.. my parents basically did nothing for me and my husband and I struggle for years .. it was miserable. Not going to put my kids through that .. my 19 year old is in college and when he graduates we will offer the same.
My mum and dad are the same. I felt bad for mooching off them all those years, but what they did allowed me to save to afford my own property. Parents like you are saints among saints.
That's how its done.
My in-laws are doing this for my SIL (husband’s sister) and BIL. Guess who they didn’t do it for? My husband. He was told to pay his bills like a “man”.
So while it sounds like your son is motivated to move out and get his own place. My SIL and BIL are the exact opposite. They don’t pay for anything like even their own gas and it has created some major fucking freeloaders. I think there has to be a balance. I believe my in-laws are hurting more than helping.
I think parents should not *need* their childrens money. People should not have more children than they can afford. Demanding rent reduces the childs ability to save for their own house and gives them a more difficult start.
With the way things have gone, you could’ve been very financially stable and able to afford kids but now not be able to afford even just yourself, let alone the food and utilities needed for an extra person or two. My mom had us when she had a house, a stable marriage, and was able to be a SAHM. When I was about 12 my parents divorced because he cheated on her. Then suddenly she had to go back into the workforce after because out so long, so she had no up to date skills and had at least a 15 year work history gap. Her job was low paying that even full time, we qualified for food stamps and stuff. Now my brother is the only one who lives at home and with the increased cost of living, she needs money from him to be able to afford it. When he moves out, she has to live with family because she can’t afford it on her own.
By this point, your kids are at least 18. 18+ years have passed since you made the decision to have them. And a lot has changed since then. Cost of living has increased a ton. Wages have stayed stagnant and below the rate of inflation. And right now specifically, inflation and supply chains has made literally everything more expensive. It’s so much harder to keep up for everyone. And yea, this is r/antinatalism. The belief is you shouldn’t have kids. But it’s too late for that once you’ve already had them. Not much you can do now, they’re here and adults.
This is exactly why I always recommend not to become a SAHP, not even for a year or a few years. Keep your financial independence.
Yea it’s risky. My mom is also lowkey lazy. Always has been. She continued to be a SAHM mom long after we all got into school. I was 12 and my younger sibling was probably 10 when they split up? And she didn’t go back to work for a couple years because my dad paid for the house and stuff. Plus she also had us doing stuff like making our own lunches from a very young age. So being a SAHM mom wasn’t needed, she just didn’t have to go back to work. But when she really had to, she did. And she really got fucked by making that choice. But also no one gets married and expects their husband to cheat on them and leave them. People usually make the choice of being a SAHP because they plan to be with their partner forever and that they’ll always have their support. But that’s not the case.
1 out of 3 marriages end in divorce here, I think people should be realistic.
They SHOULDNT but shit happens like, I got really sick and was in a terrible accident and also brutally assaulted and so now I’m disabled. My sons dad bailed bc he couldn’t handle it. So do I need his money? No. Did I continue having kids? No. Do I have stuff set aside for my son? Yes. I’m just saying tho- shit happens
Thats one reason im against having children, because the unexpected happens much too often.
Correct, if life happens, make it work, even if it means asking rent to your children. Be aware, though, that they stop paying you as they move out. So it isn't a long term solution.
I'm an adult, I live with my mum and I volunteered to pay for rent. I put 500 USD each month towards house bills like electricity, water and gas. My thought is if I'm going to live there and raise the bills I should help pay for those kinds of things. Also probably should state that I am employed full time, I have a part time job on top and I do photography for friends and relatives on the side so I'm not short on cash.
I think *choosing* to help out as an adult is admirable. If my parents weren’t manipulative, abusive assholes, I would want to contribute to their lives more.
Don't you want to invest those 500 USD in your own house?
Those parents end up wondering why their kids don’t visit
Some of us don't want our kids to vist.
I read somewhere on here where someone did charge "rent" but they essentially funnel that money into a side account to give their kid as their graduation present as a down payment on a house. So I could get behind something like that.
I do something like this. My kid has no other real bills and will otherwise blow the money and regret it, so we started charging rent to help him get accustomed to not being able to spend all his money, and he’ll get it in a lump sum when he’s ready to buy a car or get a place.
See. That's parenting and setting them up not to fail because yeah young adults and impulse control aren't always the best of friends.
Mine also has ADHD so impulse control isn’t really a thing for him lol
What happens to interest…
I think this is a western method of things. It seems to be normal to charge their children rent when they come to adulthood. Maybe a cultural thing.
I have some Filipino friends that live with family and aren’t paying rent to live there. Might be why respect for elders is higher in other cultures. Whereas respect for elderly in the US tends to be lower. Hence the mass nursing homes in the states.
I think it is a cultural thing, like kicking kids out at 18 which I find bizarre. In my culture it's normal for multiple generations to live under one roof back home. It feels like people only start wanting their own homes when they move to or are born in the west.
Kicking the kids out the second they turn 18 is so fucking dystopian 💀
I absolutely respect and admire that too
It’s also why people aren’t taking care of their elderly parents.
once my 19th birthday hits i gotta start paying rent, real excited about that /s
I moved out. My dad wanted me to pay board and my mum refused for me to pay rent. I would like to put out that my dad didn't pay a single bill except his own phone and car insurance. My mum paid for everything, bought all the furniture. He saw it as "she is working and using the utilities, so she should pay".
my older sister was kicked out before she turned 18, and I was presented with a 'rental agreement' when I turned 18, so I left instead. I ran to the toxic relationship that I was in, which I may have not been abused over the next 8 years if I was able to stay home even through college. why did you even have kids?
My parents did this. They would charge rent. Make my sister and I pay half if something broke down like the car or something inside the house. I found out recently that they did it to keep us from moving out. My sister and I both managed to get out on our own after several years. We could have left sooner if they didn't do us dirty like this. We thought it made sense at the time but now my sister and I are finding out our parents are nothing more than toxic and control individuals.
Yikes, sorry about that :(. Glad you're out now
I agree with OP.
And 9/10, it doesn’t come from a place of logic or reason. It comes from a place of resentment.
Had a friend who was basically thrown to the curb when they turned 18. Their parents’ logic behind this was “well when I was a kid my parents made me pull myself by my own bootstraps so my kid should have to do the same.”
The parents were resentful of the fact that their child grew up with more opportunity than they did, and they didn’t like that.
From my mother's perspective, she did it to financially abuse me and be greedy. She started forcing me to hand over most of my wages when I was 16 years old and still in full time education. She was still getting child benefit for me, full benefits and committing benefit fraud by selling drugs as well. Not to mention breaking the law and being a general piece of shit. I could barely afford to have dinner each evening and buy college supplies. She kicked me out when I was 17 anyway and had the cheek to ask me for rent money a week later!
I don't think it's so bad if the the offspring are adults and the parents genuinely can't afford to run a home without a contribution. Financial abuse is never okay and it great for parents who are able to either not charge or put money away for their children so they can get on to the property ladder.
That sounds awful. I am sorry it happened to you. I hope you are doing better now.
Thank you, I am. I am no contact with her and it's helped me heal a lot.
Should depend on the kid. I am disabled with my seizures and no place can hire me. So I am mostly unable to make a living, but I do chores l, help with things I am able to and do what I can to help with the home.
Their other son on the other hand. Had to be forced to get a job and then quit that job cause the other workers wouldn’t obey him. Now can drive, but refuses to work. Claiming will make a ton of cash flipping stuff, but often makes dad drive him places and even give him the money to buy things. Then takes the items that don’t sell with minimal effort and throws them to a shop for Pennie’s what he paid claiming “you gotta expect losses in this kind of work” or something of that sort. He expects them to obey him and live as he orders them and constantly degrades and belittles them. They are stressed out beyond reason. Even took my space to give to him so and I quote “he would stop whining at-least for a little while”
So if it’s a normal kid or a kid like me I agree the “charging” shouldn’t be a thing. Should support and if the kid makes good money and helps with food or what not. Don’t say no, but don’t expect it.
But a kid as I described my parents youngest song. I don’t know forcing them to pull their weight when they won’t even try expecting the parents to cater to them…..
I think it depends on the situation and the level of rent being demanded. If the kid has a decent job it’s not ridiculous to ask them to provide something to the household. On the other hand if the kid is experiencing financial instability or the amount of rent being asked is unreasonable than I agree it is disgusting.
This. Teaching age-appropriate contributions to the household is fine. When you're a minor, that's going to be chores and your own upkeep. If you're working, a modest rent isn't intrinsically inappropriate or the same as financial abuse.
I agree. Parents owe their children a comfortable and financially secure life. They didn’t ask to be born so I think they are entitled their parents to provide them with everything they need. If you can’t provide it don’t breed
I agree, but after 20 are you really entitled to a free apartment?
I think parents owe it to their kids to get them on their feet career wise and financially. Let them stay at home rent free as long as they need to save up and get established financially.
My father has 4 apartments in capitol city, he lives in huge house. Holidays 3-4 times a year in expensive locations. I was living in a room in one of the apartments. He decided to kick me out so he can make rbnb and make more money than rent from me. Lack of money isn’t always the problem, some people are just Assholes.
I feel like if the parent is struggling for whatever reason and the kid is a working adult they should offer to help out if they can. Otherwise, yea, it’s tacky.
This might go against the grain, but there's some room for nuance. I'm an only child, I don't resent my parents for bringing me here or what we went through. I was mad initially, but i realized they were misled too. I will definitely not have my own children because I have shortcomings that wouldn't be fair for a child to deal with. But I will say, I paid my folks "rent" when inflation started to hit or none of us would have a roof on under our heads. I don't want more people to go through what I went through. My folks pride is too big to ask for help. When they did, I thought Hell froze over. Don't generalize everyone's situation. Some of us are still able to heal and maintain certain values without hurting others.
This is true. I think it depends on the situation. Some parents literally force you to pay rent or they kick you out. I don't think that's ok at all. On the other end, I have friends who wanted to help out their parents and that's totally fine. Also if the family is struggling and the parents ask the kid nicely if they can help out, that's also reasonable.
It's just that some people have been forced into getting jobs when they aren't ready or other stuff like that. That's what's not ok imo.
Felt. My mom was hell bent on making me get a job at 15 so I could “contribute to the household like she had to do at her age” needless to say I never returned calls when people offered me summer jobs etc.
I think it's just a difference in personalities and worldviews, maybe cultural. I agree that there's no reason for the child to pay "rent" if you own the home (no rent, no mortgage). From a practical perspective though, I don't disagree with contributing to other expenses (groceries, utilities, etc). Even if the child didn't ask to be born. We got to pay to exist, unfortunately.
I'll never reproduce but if I did have children, I like to think that I would spoil them. Not charge them to live. Try to give them everything I never had. Maybe spoiling them would be the opposite extreme, I don't know.
I like that
This is the very reason why I moved out when I was 21. I had lived at home and worked part time all through college. I was paying my parents around $300 a month which was basically all I could afford, still paying for my car, car insurance, food…basically every necessity. Then once I graduated, my parents started demanding more and more, all while not appreciating what I could give. It got to the point where living on my own versus with them would’ve been roughly the same price.
Ideally all parents should be able to financially support their kids forever. I agree with that. Then the children are able to pursue what makes them happy and not just be part of the grind to survive.
That’s not feasible for like, most of the world. You can go on about how if people don’t have enough money to shower their child in wealth they shouldn’t have them, but it’s a biological and social imperative to have children so that’s illogical and ignorant.
Even people like me who wish they hadn’t had children - we did, and that doesn’t instantly make us terrible humans or parents if we’re not wealthy and able/willing to support our children’s every need and whim until they die.
This right here
Very interested in hearing people's thoughts on this. My parents rule was if you arent in school you pay rent. So I paid rent until I moved out. I personally don't see anything wrong with it. My mother was working 2 jobs to afford the mortgage, my dad working OT every week to pay the bills, the least I could do as an adult was cover the use of utilities and groceries. I think in an ideal world the parents could save that $ and give it to their kid when they move out so they arent struggling with first months rent and deposits and moving costs.
As far as I’m aware, my mom and I have a mutual agreement that as long as I’m “moving forward” (getting an education, finding a job, or looking for a place to live) I’m more than welcome to stay at home. that being said, depending on what’s going on for me i will be expected to take on more chores, like cooking for the family, but that seems for than fair to me. she has made it abundantly clear that if i ever have any kind of housing or financial emergency, i am more than welcome to move back in for as long as needed.
I am 34 at the moment and my mom considers me as her retirement plan.
I have been paying for my own needs for plus my family expense since the day I graduated college.
This could be an old culture thing so I hate both my family and my culture.
There is no way I reproduce, this bloodline ends here.
My dad not only entitles himself to 1/3 of my paychecks every 2 weeks but also entitled himself to my tax returns so it’s a bruh moment
The moment I started working (around 21 years old) my dad started charging me rent. it was a quarter of my salary at the time. Geez, it irks me the most I was a result of a night without condoms; having my dad literally tell me 'I'm the biggest regret in his life'. No sense of consequences for the child and me having felt like I'm literally not wanted here, yet you brought me here and charge me to survive.
I'm please to say, I'm 29 now and just moved out a few months ago. It's been the best damn think for my mental health. I still can't and probably won't ever afford to own my own house, but hey, I'm not paying rent to my stingy father anymore.
Some of my friends do pay rent whilst living at home but that's because they wanted to help out, so that's different. But parents who demand it I think are a bit mad. You shouldn't need your kid to pay. You've been paying for them thus far, so I'd say just wait it out until they leave home.
Idk I don’t see a problem with adult kids paying rent. If they moved out they’d have to pay a landlord why not contribute to your family’s household. If a parent becomes sick or disabled, or has some business or employment issue why not. This forum gets a little judgmental and holier than thou about the weirdest things.
But some parents do need the money to continue to support an adult. Parents are not lifetime slaves you sound entitled and miserable.
meanwhile, strict Asian parents are forcing their adult children to live with them rent free but with a lot of guilt tripping, overbearingness, and mental abuse included lol...
Can confirm, but I do it so she can focus on school.
I want her to be debt free and self reliant when she finishes college.
It's not about needing their kid's money. It's about teaching them the responsibilities of adulthood.
It's not about needing money, it's about showing them there's no free rides. Everything in life costs and the sooner you start the easier the transition to adulthood is
Whatever, what a whiner. At 18 I paid my part of the utility bill and a little rent. It's called being responsible for yourself. I dont see anything wrong with that.
Well maybe and just maybe it’s because the want to teach there kids that they will have to pay rent in the real world. Also if you’re kid is partying and spending money on shit that they don’t need them ye you should maybe even raise that rent.
My sister lives with my parents and makes more money than they do. It wouldn’t be fair to my parents to have her mooching. They should be able to retire one day. Just because you’re someone’s child doesn’t mean you should act like a baby through adulthood. We all gotta grow up at some point.
Ok but you shouldn’t create someone and then charge them for living when they didn’t ask to exist in the first place
So we should expect our parents to take care of us financially until they die?
Not forever But I’m saying 18-25 you shouldn’t charge rent
Not acceptable. If you can’t afford children whether planned or not, you should not have them. And this goes for adult children as well.
Ok? There’s many discreet ways to get rid of/prevent a pregnancy. I will never condone irresponsible people especially when they bring children into the world solely to burden them with their problems.
Unfortunate events, but what do they have to do with a parent charging their kid for rent?
Now your parents mooch of your sister, and you tel us that is fair..
They don’t mooch off of her, she only pays them 100$/ month which barely covers what she’s getting out of living there, I also mentioned above she makes more money than they do.
The *choose* to have children. Everybody knows children are expensive.
A 24 year old who has a full time job is no longer a child IMO.
How would you decribe the relationship between a parent and the person who was born in that family, to that parent?
With that logic we should all be living with our parents and expecting them to provide for us until they die.
It's way more difficult to move out if parents demand rent.
I divorced at 28 and arrived at my parents' door with a suitcase and a broken heart. I lived with them for three years - very much missing having my own place and freedom - but saved enough to buy a house in cash, zero mortgage.
My parents were delighted to have me back at home and never charged me a single cent. I did buy groceries to feel good about myself, but that was optional.
I never felt like a failure for being 30 and at my parents'. I had studied hard and had a high-paying job. Now I live debt-free and have visited more than 20 countries.
I think the only acceptable exception is if they put the money back into a savings account for the kid and that they charge rent mainly to teach them how the world works.
This is what we do. It stings to be able to blow your whole paycheck and not be prepared for life, and have no cushion when you do move out. I hope that by charging “rent” I’ll help my kids get used to what paying bills is like, and they’ll have a little nest egg when they move out since we can’t really provide much of one.
I moved out on my 18th birthday.
I worked full time since 15.
I lived on my own since (45 now)
I paid for college myself, paid my own mortgage.
I do not understand why anyone would want to live with their parents. My youngest can not wait to move out, but my oldest demands to stay with us indefinitely.
Hey this was my mom ! 600 a month for rent ! 😂
Did you leave a.s.a.p.?
It took me a while cause I felt GUILT of course , my dad wasn’t making money at the time .
No you chose to be here so you gotta pay your parents.. oh wait..
I remember once I was on the bus going to work and this lady was talking about as soon as her kids turn 18 out they go. 🙄
i’m so grateful for my mom. me and her were always clashing heads so we decided it was best for me to move out right at 18 so she actually helped me because i got a scholarship to go to community college and she had a savings account for my college and i get to use that on my rent so i get to live on my own rent free for about a year lol shout out my mom fr
Agreed! My parents never charged me rent and I started working when i was a junior in high school. After i graduated and started working full time i would help pay for any repairs needed on the house. They never asked me to do that but i did anyway. I found out years later that they just saved it in an account they had for me to help me out for when i did decide to leave home. They said all they cared about was me having a job and not getting into any legal trouble. They paid for most of my college as well
I'm 31 and have to live with my mom who is retired (she's 65), yes i pay but she also does my laundry, cooks meals most days, runs errands and does some shopping for me, cleans most of the house... It wouldn't be fair game not to pay since i get all this extra help and not just a roof over my head
Lol my mom charged me rent starting at 16. And the “you live under my roof” argument lost all power. She kicked me out by time I was 17.
I've only ever heard of it done one way that I wouldn't have really minded, it was where the parents didn't actually use the money, and just set it aside in a separate account to be given back to the kids once they're ready to move out. That won't always be necessary, of course, but I think it's a practical/fair way to help someone to develop more responsible spending habits, if they were having trouble doing so otherwise.
That being said, sometimes unfortunate/unplanned circumstances can land a parent in a situation where they may *need* assistance with rent or basic living expenses, in which case, I think asking their children for help is a reasonable request.
It depends on the situation... technically it's not the kids home, it's under the parents name. I would say if you were able to establish yourself and can afford the rent, you can contribute whether you want to or if your parents ask you to. If your parents demand you start paying rent when you're not in the position to afford it, that's being a shitty parent.
My parents only charge my brother rent because they gave him ample time to move out, he has a full time job making the same as my dad, doesn’t go out, doesn’t buy food, basically lives under their roof as if he was still a kid, but has enough money to put a down payment on a house and has bought a brand new car and would still have enough money to not work for about 4-5 months before he would struggle. My parents charge cus he opts to live there rather than trying to save up to get a place. I can understand it then too. We’ve been telling my brother to move out for years
I told both my kids they could live at home as long as they were working towards something. But I wasn't willing to house then if all they were doing is fucking off and partying.
Along the similar lines it’s fucked that my mother expects me to support her. She doesn’t want to do anything with her life, she wouldn’t want to learn, explore or just in general develop a better understanding of economics and basic finances. She gets her monthly allowances from me and feels she’s earned it. If I stop, the guilt kills me, if I don’t, I feel like that’s money just gone from my bank account with which I could’ve done whatever I want.
Never having kids I swear.