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An hour long back scratch while I go to sleep


I cannot fathom this level of bliss.


You've never had that before? Where you at bruh I got you.


I'll be over in ten.


I prefer the scalp message


I just call those "thoughts."


Leela, I'm having a headache with pictures! You mean an idea? Mmm, mmm!


oh hell yes.


I scratch my husband's back for about 45 minutes almost every night. He usually falls asleep within the first 5, but I keep going because I want to make sure he sleeps well.


Some god damn peace and quiet.


My whole crew at work takes lunch at the same time. I swear not one of those bastards is comfortable enough in their own mind to sit quietly. The TV in the break room got broken, so they all talk constantly. four or five different conversations all trying to be heard over the others. It's a mini version of high school lunch, but in a much smaller room. Edit for clarification: They told me that they're too insecure to have quiet. I wouldn't mind conversation if they weren't all trying to yell as if across a quarter mile store while inside a break room that's 150 ft^2 . We work overnights, so they spend all 8 hours talking to each other anyway, so it's not like they're starved for socialization. It goes like this: I show up to work early and have about 20 minutes of quiet, everybody else shows up and starts shouting conversation, we work for two hours while everybody else is shouting, take a break still shouting, work more shouting, shout some more during lunch, and do the same for another 4 hours plus a break. I can't go anywhere else because of security reasons, and I can't take my lunch at a different time for the same reason.


Damn nervous chatter. Gotta love it. I'd MUCH rather sit quietly having my lunch alone. No convo to keep up with and you can shut off the brain for a while and just enjoy lunch.


I had a moment in the past year where I wanted to die from pure bliss. I had dislocated my shoulder snowboarding in the past year and I was in excruciating pain. It took nearly 3 hours before anyone was able to pop it back in. If you don't know the process of how to put a shoulder back in, basically they try to stretch the muscles as much as possible so it will slide in easier. I'm laying on my stomach with my arm dangling over the side of the medical bed holding a 5 pound weight while making circular motions to try and loosen up the muscles. I'm breathing heavily in massive amounts of pain just trying to do this, and the cute physician assistant can clearly see that I'm having issues. She comes over, pulls the weight out of my hand, starts rotating my arm for me, and whispers in my ear trying to give me confidence what almost seemed like sweet nothings. The pain completely subsided and I just wanted my life to end right then and there. It took them three more times to try and pop it back in, but that moment the cute PA came over and healed me for that moment was the best feeling I've ever felt. Been trying to chase that feeling ever snce.


Can't imagine waiting 3 hours to pop it back in. I was working once and carrying a 14' 90lb ladder on my shoulder. I do this every day (cable guy). I threw it on my shoulder, started to walk across the street but stopped to check for cars coming. Like a dumbass, I planted my feet, and twisted just my torso, which put all the weight of the ladder on my arm, not shoulder. My arm popped out of the socket, the ladder slid forward, and in sheer panic, discomfort, pain and fear, I flailed my arm in a circle as fast as I could. It quickly and satisfyingly popped back into place. This literally occurred over the course of about 7 seconds, but was genuinely the most uncomfortable feeling of my life.


I share the pain. On the way to the pub on my nineteenth birthday a friend from uni decided to drunkenly show off his taekwondo skills. He popped my left shoulder right out of its socket. Thankfully I had consumed a few beers by this point so the pain was likely somewhat dulled when compared to what I would have felt whilst sober. The beer also contributed to me thinking it was a grand idea to put my shoulder back into joint on the side of a bus stop. Miraculously I managed it and made it to the pub, but 14 years later my shoulder still aches whenever it is cold outside.


This is kinda gross but the best example from my life i can give. I got bit by a spider on my forehead. It swole up a TON. It looked like a giant zit on my head but it wouldnt ever pop. I was also allergic to the venom so it made my eyes start to swell up to the point i couldnt see. So i went to the hospital. The doctor basically tried to pop it and squeeze venom out and it hurt like a mother fucker. He kinda gave up but was like "let me see if i can get a tiny bit more." Then he death gripped my forehead and it was super painful. All of a sudden it just, blew up. I immediately felt the biggest relief of all time. I opened my eyes and see blood. Everywhere. All over his smock. Everyones staring at me like i died or something. I fell backwards and past out.


your doctor must have freaked out if you passed out after he did that. Probably thought you died lol


"W.... was that his brain in there?"


I can think of no thing that would give me greater relief. The feeling of a pimple literally popping out is my top five favorite things. Something of this caliber is a dream. brb finding a spider.


Sick bastard.


When you're getting over a cold, and you blow your nose, and ALL the snot comes out. Keep blowing, and more snot hidden in the back of your nose comes out. And then suddenly, for the first time in a week, you can breathe through both nostrils at the same time.


I had maybe an even better version of this where I was trying to pick out some congealed snot after a cold so I could breathe again. I touch a nosehair and feel this bizarre sensation. I grab on with two nails and feel this tingle deep inside my sinuses that makes my eyes compulsively open wide and my nostrils repeatedly flare. I pull out a black hair thick as a high guitar string and about 2.5 inches long and immediately sneeze the most complete, snottiest, cleanest finishing sneeze of my life. I've had maybe two orgasms that compare to that in my entire life. I look back on that moment like I scored four touchdowns in one game.


I have one similar but maybe not as good. I don't remember it was a normal cold but one day I was blowing my nose and it sounded like I was gargling yogurt. Just the nastiest gooiest boogers. I pulled the Kleenex away to fold it and there was a giant booger still hanging out. I continued to blow it out, was still there. I decided to just pull it and I could feel pulling from all the way down in my throat. It was like pulling a Stretch Armstrong leg but it was stuck in my nose.


Similarly, I once had one that felt like it snaked out from behind my eye. I'd had my wisdom teeth removed, then got sick with a massive head cold the very next day. Basically, because of my wisdom teeth being removed the day before I got the cold, I couldn't blow my nose. So I just laid around the house; I was a swollen, drippy, miserable mess. So this snot-snake just sat back there stewing for a solid 4-5 days, until I finally managed to solidly blow my nose. The fucker was a solid 5 inches long. I felt it start when I blew my nose, then grabbed it and pulled it out the rest of the way. It was seriously as long as my hand from my fingertip to the base of my wrist... Words can't describe the kind of instant relief I felt.


I did that for my daughter when she was around three months old. Saw a small ball of snot peaking out of her nostril, so I grabbed it with a tissue. Ended up pulling out the ball, a small connective line half as thick, and then what looked like an inch of blackish green pipe cleaner as big around as her nostril. She gave me a look of shock as big as the one I gave back for a few seconds before deciding she was *not* happy about how it felt coming out and crying for a minute.


Speaking of nose hairs, I had the most brutal ingrown hair inside my nose, my nose was massively swollon, shiny and purplish. I woke up and checked on it the next day and I could see a huge whitehead and what looked like a blackhead in the middle of it. I gave it a good squeeze and the fucking inch long hair shot out of the outside of my nose with a shit load of puss attached to it. That was more relieving and satisfying than any nut I've ever busted.


I was in college and walked into the men's shower room to well... shower. There was a buddy of mine standing in front of the mirror with this giant crocodile Dundee knife slowly slicing into the side of his nose. I asked him what the fuck he doing and he just said "hold on one second" and as he pushed the edge deeper into the side of his nose a giant wad of puss shot out and hit the mirror, which was a foot or so away. He just turned to me, with tears in his eyes and blood running down his face "much better".


did you go to school in the south, a small tennessean town near the GA/TN Line? if so, this may have been me.




This was me for a month after nose surgery. Went through couple of large boxes of q-tips. But man the stuff that came out of my nose sometimes looked like the spawn of the devil.


That's so much better than mine, lol. Head cold, standing in the living room; I didn't even expect to sneeze and only barely got my hand in front of my face. I sneezed like a deflating balloon, with more air than I figured my lungs had and with more 'pull' than I've ever experienced in a sneeze. The air just kept flowing and I felt a slight hiccup in the vacuum as my hand filled with a nearly tennis-ball-sized amount of high-viscosity snot. What followed though, was the best part; Upon seeing this ball of snot and feeling my sinuses drained, my ears and nose both simultaneously crackled and decompressed as I felt my lungs fill with good clean air for the first time in weeks. I too rank that in the top 5 of my 'all time orgasms.' I'm *still* jealous of your nosehair though. That must've been something!




Best to do it in a steamy shower too. Its fucking heaven.


The first time I ever used a nettipot, when the wall of mucus was so dense I literally could not breathe through either nostril, it was like the Berlin wall falling. A little spout of water thru the mucus dam, and eventually an earth shattering breakage where endless gobs of snot came pouring out like the Volga at high tide for 20 minutes. THAT was better than sex


you've just sold a nettipot to me with that story


Get the bottle instead. And for chrissakes don't just use tap water, get some distilled from the grocery. And have fucking fun, it's amazing. If you start getting congested use it morning and night and it cuts the duration of snotliness a great deal.


When you blow your nose and a glob partially comes out, so you pull on it and you feel that big stringy motherfucker sliding out from the back of your sinuses. Man. You just feel free afterwards.


For decades, I have been attempting to appropriately describe this awesomeness. You just nailed it.


Financial security :(


Since I stopped smoking it´s like this crazy dude keeps throwing money into my bank account. Weird shit.


Good job. He's throwing years onto your life too. 👍


Yeah, sadly there's always a tradeoff.




That’s how they get ya :/


My wife and I both quit right around the same time, and it turns out that we're actually lower middle class after all. Were it not for the fact that I rank everyone I meet on how many cigarettes I'd kill them for (the answer is always one), it'd be totally rad.


My dads been smoke free for six months now. Hes very happy with himself but says that if he found out he had terminal cancer or something, the first thing hed do is go buy a carton of cigarettes.


I found that cigs whispered in your ear like a seductive lover for one year before giving up and leaving you alone 14 years now smoke free but it was a bitch to quit


Going to bed knowing there is **nothing** you have to do tomorrow, and you can sleep as long as you wish.


Also, when you drop into a bed after a long road trip and instantly pass out


Falling asleep when exhausted is the best sleeping experiment possible.


But when you fall asleep when exhausted and your internal clock wakes you up at 6 am, it's the worst


Unemployment is not giving me any major climaxes tbh


If you're unemployed, there's probably some shit you have to do tomorrow. Like applying for jobs. OP is talking about having completed all necessary responsibilities, and just enjoying a well-deserved day off. It's a great feeling.


That post-vomit moment when you can just *feel* that it’s all over. You’re weak, shaky, and not entirely coherent but goddamn is it euphoric to *not* feel like you’re dying anymore. Bonus points if this is after a migraine.


The first time you actually want to eat food again (and can hold it in) after a migraine is amazing too


Just waking up after a migraine and realising the pain is finally gone is amazing


Amen. Passing out to pain and waking up with clarity in the dark, so good.


Ahh yes. I vomit everytime I get migraines. The sense of relief after the last vomit. Fuck migraines.


The worst part is the hour or three before it where you just feel so damned sick that you know youre going to have to puke soon, but REALLY dont want to puke.


Kissing the homies goodnight


You gotta let your bros know you love them somehow


No homo though. Can't be caught doing that gay shit.


Nah fam we ain’t gay, we homiesexual.






♫ ♫ Usually I'm kiss free, but tonight, I'm with the homies ♫ ♫


Being constantly surprised by how much someone you love loves you back. Puting in your all and having it be overwhelmingly reciprocated. Seeing the spark of excitement in their eyes when you wake up next to each other. I'd give anything to have that again.


This sounds like what I used to have. Couldn't believe I were so lucky. And then it ran out, sort of, I dont know what went wrong really.


You and me both, man.


Hey, u/iBananus. It’s me, stranger on the internet. Don’t give up on that. You can have it again. I believe in you.


Fuck this hurt, sorry


Two sex.


Three sex.




How many sexers are in my store?




Vine culture will live on.


Four sex Ah Ah Ah.


One sex, two sex, red sex, blue sex


Taking a piss when I've been holding it in all day.


Having a dump after holding it in all day - and when the wipe was seemingly unnecessary.


Ah, yes. Nothing but net. The true superpower.


taking that dump that just slides out as one massive loaf with ease <3


Try poop jerking. You make sure you have the worst diarrhea shit ever, and spend at least a half hour dancing around jerking off with your cheeks clenched and till you’re ready to blow. Sit down, shoot the ceiling, and enjoy passing the fuck out from the ultimate pressure release. EDIT: For maximum effect, get [This song stuck in your head, but do the poop-jerk](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JutPfQULxVA)




You heard me.


JFC... Gotta admire the confidence I suppose.


( ͠° ͟ʖ ͠°)


... you ok there?


the fuck did i just read?


This image is simultaneously revolting and hilarious.


Taking a nice shower after feeling filthy. One of the best feelings to be nice and clean.


The first few seconds of stretching in a clean bed under cool sheets after taking a hot shower. I'm silent like a ninja during sex, but stetching in a clean bed will have me moaning "oh my god this feels so good" uncontrollably.


Oh, so *that's* what my upstairs neighbors are doing.


Yeah. They just got some new sheets from pottery barn.


Please don't be silent during sex


Very few things are sexier than a man moaning during sex.


Speaking as a straight man, I can say that if I was having sex and heard a man moaning, that would not be sexy. It would be alarming.


This meeting is about land-locked easements, sir. Calm down.


I got that reference!


Him moaning gets me every. damn. time. Him: "mmmm, fuck" Me, immediately after hearing him moan: "mmmmmmm, FUCK"


aaand for all me Aussie mates; "Brace yerself, Sheila!"


what about a man going ahhh AUURGHH uhhh hrrr *orc noises*




When you haven't said you were going to have sex, but you both feel the anticipation in the air.


Close 25 chrome tab after solve problem.


The art of programming in a nutshell


or doing upper-level math shit.


On that subject, does anyone know what the shit is an algebraic and geometric multiplicity?


yes geometric is the dimension of the eigen space while algebraic is how many times the eigen value appears as a 0 to the characteristic polynomial. At least I hope, my final is in 1 hour.


Thank you! Just closed 25 tabs. Mine is monday, best of luck!


More specifically, Stack Overflow and Tutorialspoint tabs Edit: typo


And a tutorial by an Indian guy that barely speaks English.


>audio too low >turn up speakers >video doesn't even cover what you need >find another video >forget speakers have been turned up to 11 >new video is narrated by 12 year old who sounds like he has the mic inside his throat




How about a manual written entirely in mandarin for a GUI developed and used exclusively in English


Getting in and out of the DMV in less than 10 minutes.


Getting your ears irrigated I didn't have insurance and I thought I had some water in my ear. Literally if I held my nose and blew itd pop for the duration of the blow and I'd hear, and than go right back...I bought drops , to no avail, the little squirty enema looking thing, again nothing ..... I bit the bullet and went to the walk in and they charged me 159 dollars. They put some shit in my ear that fizzed for fifteen mins and I don't like shit in my ears so it was pure torture. Than they put a huge plastic syringe looking thing in my ear and proceeded to pull out a ball of wax, fully in tact the size of a walnut. Same thing in the ear that wasn't even fucked up My head felt lighter, and I had supersonic hearing for about a week. Like unraveling toilet paper sounded like walking in a 40 mph wind.


That is one of the craziest feelings both mentally and physically as you have that instantaneous rush as it falls out of your ear and your hearing starts to return. Then over the next 30 seconds to a minute your head clears, you get your balance back, and you’re dumbfounded how that little ball of wax was screwing your life up so much for the past couple weeks. Also the nurse told me that fizzy stuff was just a mix of hydrogen peroxide and warm water. I think she said a 20% mix in the syringe. I got very vigilant about using only water to clean my ears after that. Screw q-tips or anything else.


When you have a crazy itch just below your shoulder blade and it's driving you nuts cause you can't reach it and your wife scratches it perfectly. During sex




This guy this guys


To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.


Soft toilet paper and good dentistry Edit: lots of love for TP out there. Sometimes this world ain't so bad :)


And hot water.


When you're cutting paper with scissors and the scissors start to glide


“The greatest feeling you can get in a gym or the most satisfying feeling you can get in the gym is the pump. Let’s say you train your biceps, blood is rushing in to your muscles and that’s what we call the pump. Your muscles get a really tight feeling like your skin is going to explode any minute and its really tight and its like someone is blowing air into your muscle and it just blows up and it feels different, it feels fantastic. It’s as satisfying to me as cumming is, you know, as in having sex with a woman and cumming. So can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like getting the feeling of cumming in the gym; I’m getting the feeling of cumming at home; I’m getting the feeling of cumming backstage; when I pump up, when I pose out in front of 5000 people I get the same feeling, so I am cumming day and night. It’s terrific, right? So you know, I am in heaven.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger


"Because after dinner everyone oughta have a cigar so I tried it, the rest is history, I’m still smoking Stogies – I love it and he introduced me something really good. And I know now the next question – knowing you – uh, being the interviewer that you are – digging in deep all the time, you will say now, what does your wife think about that? Let me ask you something, when my wife’s father has introduced me to Stogies, what is she going to say, she’s not going to say, my father made a mistake. Because her father never makes a mistake. So therefore, it is okay, I can smoke Stogies around her. I can smoke Stogies in my house, first of all, because her father introduced me to Stogies and second of all because I’m a stud, I’m ballsy, I don’t take not shit from anyone, I smoke my Stogie anywhere I want, I don’t have to find a hide out place like you." -- also Arnold Schwarzenegger


“Sigmund Freud said, ‘Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.’ Oh yeah? Well, sometimes it’s a big, brown DICK. A big brown dick with a fat, arrogant, white collar business criminal asshole sucking on the wet end of it.” - George Carlin


brb heading to gym


Deep tissue back massages, discovering a new favourite tv show, wood scented candles, getting exam results back and seeing you didnt fail, deep and unforgettable conversations with the right people, fun movie and pizza nights with the right people, fun road trips with the right people, moving into your first apartment, kayaking beautiful lakes on a calm day, nights filled with laughter and happiness and peace. Sex is icing on a cake, not the cake itself. Some people don't even like icing.


Hearing about your asshole boss getting fired


Hey buddy I don't know what kind of choices you've made in life but I'M the only person in charge of MY asshole.


Bitcoin at 15,000 when you bought a bunch when it was at 30.


This can buy many sex.




Money can be exchanged for goods and services.


Go on...


Bitcoin can be turned into a lot of money.




And then...?


A quick flashing of the ankle


How scandalous!


Funny story: I was gifted approximately $.16 worth of BTC two years ago, deposited it into coinbase and forgot all about it. As of today, it was worth $12. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.




username does not check out at all


Whoa, slow down there pal. We don't want this thread getting *too* scandalous.


How uncouth of you sir.


We cannot have these raffish shenanigans polluting our most promising minds. Good day to you, Sir.


When you have meat suck between your teeth and after 10 minutes you finally tongue it out. Legit orgasm in the mouth


> When you have meat suck I certainly imagined this ending differently.


Oh, I dunno. That last sentence *is* usually what happens...


Getting to the toilet when you really, really need to poop.


Nothing beats making the mad 20ft dash only to arrive just in time for your sphincter to erupt with the ferocity and sound of Krakatoa.


As I envisioned this in my mind, I at first imagined the sound of squidward yelling krakatoa as a person releases a massive shit.


Love :(


What is love?


Baby, don't hurt me


Don't hurt me


No more


Do do do do doodoo do do do


*head bobbing*


When you finally cook just the right amount of pasta.


It costs a dollar. Make the whole box. Edit: s




Or eat the 4-5 servings in one sitting and totally not feel shitty about it in a half hour.


Waking up thinking it’s the morning but it’s still only 5am


That is the morning for some of us.


*Cries in army*


Being loved Edit- it doesn't need to be romantic love. Unconditional love is nice in all forms. Even a dogs love is nice. Mine make me laugh at least 2-3 times a day.


The sense of pride and accomplishment.


what's that?


It's what you experience when you buy an EA product


Tucking your homies in, knowing that they are safe and cared for.


we homiesexual in these streets, my dog.


In whatever you do for fun or profit, "getting it right" is the best feeling: Fly airplanes? That perfect flare, a landing so greasy you don't even feel the wheels hit the ground. Drive racecars? Clipping the perfect apex at the perfect speed, accelerating on trackout like you're Senna. Write code? Testing that complicated function you wrote, for the first time, and watching it exceed your expectations without errors. Play an instrument? That moment when you completely disassociate yourself from reality, getting in the zone and letting the music flow through you. Writer? Putting together that perfect sentence, the one you go back and re-read thinking, "how the hell did I come up with such perfection?" There's that in-the-zone-better-than-sex feeling in almost any endeavor.


Winning a Rocket League match after 5 minutes in OT. #MAGA


I believe this falls under: >To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.


Nothing is better than sex. A ham sandwich is better than nothing, ergo, a ham sandwich is better than sex.


This was our very first fallacy lesson from a logics instructor a couple years ago.


Was gonna say, this deduction is breaking a rule or two huh


My god he's figured it out... you were never supposed to figure this out... it's too much for one human to be trusted with






Building a mutually respectful, exciting, and intimate romantic relationship with a woman. And then having sex with her.


Garlic bread.


That *tiiiiiiny* squeaky sound when you rub two pickles together




cracking open a cold one with the boys


Found the married guy


8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Parent here.


Don't worry, eventually the sun will implode.


I mean have any of you tried bagel bites?


Yeah but the bagel is always too stiff so it ends up flipping up when I bite down and getting tomato sauce all over my face


Cook them in the oven instead of the microwave.


Cracking open a boy with the cold ones




Waking up before your SO and smelling her hair without being called a creepazoid.


...how is sniffing your SO creepazoid? That’s like the one person you’re allowed to sniff.


I think that's the point.