T O P
SeaTurtlesCanFly

Uhhhh... okay... so I'll start by apologizing. Due to all that you noted in this post.... I spent like hours dealing with victim-blamers yesterday. I am not fully awake, skimmed your post, and thought you were victim-blaming that kid. I totally banned you... and then UNBANNED you. Sorry. I have seen so much victim-blaming in the last 2 days that I think I have victim-blaming on the brain now. The ban never should have happened and I apologize. You should be unbanned now. I'm glad I went and reread the post to make sure I didn't flub it... I totally flubbed it. Now... other stuff... while, I don't necessarily disagree with you... after all, I wrote this whole post pinned to the top of the subreddit under the shared account (so other s could edit if I missed a point or had a typo or something): https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/qjigna/this_sub_is_full_of_narcissists_who_dont_know/ .... I have to remove this post because we have a rule about calling people narcissists in this group. We don't allow it, because it's inflammatory. HOWEVER, I will whole-heartedly agree that way too many people here lack basic empathy, victim-blame, victim-blame children, and just do other horrifying things. I banned many of these people over the last 2 - 3 days. It's been exhausting. I wouldn't be against you reposting it without calling people narcs. I'd maybe instead frame it like my pinned post is: Call out the problematic behavior without labeling it "narcissistic" or anything like that. It could be... retraumatizing, harmful, victim-blaming, unempathetic, etc... these things would be acceptable (and accurate), but the n-word is reserved for our abusers in our lives. Putting this part in CAPS because it's important and I'm hoping people don't miss it: THIS GROUP RELIES ON YOUR REPORTING TO KEEP IT SAFE. <3 When you see people victim-blaming, hit the report button. REPORTING IS ANONYMOUS. Report this awful shit when you see it. IF YOU DON'T REPORT STUFF, THE MODS PROBABLY WON'T EVEN KNOW THE BAD STUFF IS HAPPENING, SO REPORT STUFF! The report button is under every post and comment. <3


Professional_Path397

Yes and yes. Unfortunately, negative experiences will often have much bigger impacts than positive ones. I fear for those who are truly struggling, reaching out for any support in a desperate time of need and yet, this site (and all social media) can be so full of hateful and toxic trolls. Sending out hugs, a lending ear, and/or positive vibes to all who need it.


Maid_For_Hire

I didn't see the second post but the first one was really heartbreaking because people kept defending a public person that is most likely a narcissist and it's super scary how unaware a lot of people in here are of themselves. Reading about the second post is just as heartbreaking. I wish people on here were compassionate. Were they just as aggressive and invalidating as on the other post?


Vivid_Story_904

I didn't read all of it. The kid got a lot of help. Unfortunately, there were also a lot of grown ass people getting angry with a child for not agreeing with them right away. It's pathetic. A man in his 30s saying "why did you ask for help, then?!" when the kid didn't immediately say "yes yes thank you sir" is just..... Even if they weren't a child, I think people need to chill with the "why did you ask for advice if you're going to disagree with me" crap. It's textbook narcissist. You're not god; just because I spoke to you about a problem doesn't mean I have to take any trash that you come up with as gospel. People need to get over themselves.


Maid_For_Hire

Thank you for telling me about it. I'm happy they got help. The "why do you ask if you'll disagree" thingy seems so entitled to me.


Vivid_Story_904

It's a reddit-wide thing, it drives me insane. People really want to feel like they saved the day, even when they give you super low-effort thoughtless advice. They can't take the slightest criticism of someone saying "that's actually not helpful." Heck, they can't even take someone politely saying "I don't think I can do that and here's why." The ego on these people, I can't.


femundsmarka

Reddit generally is very aggressive and honestly the mod system is not enough to conquer it. It is really shocking what an incredible amount of aggression can be seen here in almost any sub. People have almost completely given up on discussing **with** each other. Best you can hope for is a hive-minded discussion that fits your own opinion.


Maid_For_Hire

"Have you tried calling CPS?" --> Feels like a saint ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


Vivid_Story_904

LMAO. So true!!


Rubiks_goob

It was terrible. You can just look at the sheer number of deleted posts in there (thank you mods for regulating and folks for reporting). There was so much crazy projection, so much assumption about her situation, just super mean. Op, I do wonder if naricissism has become a popular topic, so tons of people show up here that don't know much, don't read rules, and just make wild, impulsive comments without any awareness about this being a safe space for survivors?


Vivid_Story_904

Maybe, but there are also people who clearly are victims (from their post histories) that don't seem to realize that they've turned into the very thing they hate.


Maid_For_Hire

I also noticed a lot of narcissists lacking self-awareness. One woman I got to know I cut off after a month because she started getting more and more aggressive when it came to invalidating me. She also kept using strawmen, that often didn't make any sense.


Vivid_Story_904

Oh they completely lack self-awareness. It makes sense. Narcissism is a mask for DEEP insecurity. They can't pull on that thread, otherwise unimaginable pain will follow. So they're used to pretending.


Maid_For_Hire

The mods on here really are doing an astounding job. <3


SeaTurtlesCanFly

Thank you. <3


Maid_For_Hire


Diarhea_Pony

The sad reality is that a lot of children of narcissists inherit those traits. It is a vicious cycle. Self awareness is so important when it comes to not turning into one


kippercould

There are a lot of post by members who have clearly become narcissist to cope with their narcissist's abuse. I know this is meant to be a supportive sub, but part of supporting people through abuse it letting them know when they are perpetuating the behaviour.


Vivid_Story_904

Yes, this. I think so too. Even if it stings at first, people's eyes need to be opened to it.


unbrokenSGCA

But then you're vIcTim bLaMiNg and breaking the rules. Eye roll. I called out someone in their post one time because they were whining that their parents chose to spend their own money on something instead of buying them a new phone. Reeked of an entitled teenager calling the kettle black.


Vivid_Story_904

Yeah, at some point adults just have to take responsibility for the way they behave towards other people.


Vivid_Story_904

It's so true. The cycle of abuse continues.


GeekGurl2000

And when the rules say "no victim blaming"....


Vivid_Story_904

Seriously. The victim blaming here is cray cray. I was about to type out a few nuggets I encountered just in the last hour that are blood-boiling but you know what....I'm going to take a deep breath instead.


Marriedforlife1872

I saw the teen’s post. I understood why she was reluctant to tell. I was her. My nm put us in “therapy” several times. I learned real quick if I told the truth, it WOULD get back to the her and I was in for a belt beating. And nm did not let anything go. I’d pay for a long while. So, you shut your mouth. I did not tell the teen this but just watched the post, hoping someone else, might be able to give her the courage. I felt bad for her, but what do you do, as a child, when np’s are such good actors.


Rubiks_goob

See, your comment here is different. You explained your experience and how that may be validating for that girl. But the problematic comments were assuming that situation is identical and insisting that she does something (whether to report or not to report), and then getting butt hurt when she didn't. Oy..


Marriedforlife1872

I understand, I was afraid to say anything to her. She was afraid and didn’t need to hear my experience. I hope she will still show up here. I had no one. That was my perception anyway. She needs someone, anyone. We all have things in common, but our experience is still our own. The ones who were so careless with their words…well, I don’t think they belong here. I had a lot of s ideation at that age and it worries me for her.


Vivid_Story_904

I'm very sorry you had to go through that.


Marriedforlife1872

Thank you so much, but know..I am a survivor (like everyone here). I may never be whole but I will never be her.


Vivid_Story_904

You are whole! It may take a while to feel that way, I know I also have various addictions that I keep trying to fill a hole with. But we are whole. It's just our perception we need to heal.


Snoo-11861

I hadn’t seen either posts and I’m devastated to hear this. Because this place is supposed to be a safe space. And if it’s being overrun by narcissists, then this sub wouldn’t be safe anymore.


SoundandFurySNothing

This is a serious problem, r/narcissisticabuse has a moderator who is a narcissist and it’s a nightmare over there. They want in here like a fox wants in a hen house and we all know why, but they often don’t, they are just going on instinct and don’t know they are narcissists but we do. We need a “validation bot” that detects narcissistic phrases, common gaslighting and invalidating statements


Vivid_Story_904

10000%. I unsubbed from that place, too.


Cazzah

You've done a big rant here that is well deserved, but can I request you to edit it to ask people to 1. Report victim blaming and being nasty to the victim (rule 1, no victim blaming, personal attacks) 2. Report people calling the victim a liar (rule 2, always assume a context of abuse)


Vivid_Story_904

Sure, thanks. I hope you don't mind if I just copy and paste that.


AutoModerator

**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Zlcat

Sometimes I have realized a certain way of addressing answers that look pretty much the way the parents they criticize actually would be. I have not read these two posts you mention but I can see how it could happen when some adults imitate the way their parents were even without realizing so it’s good to point it out and wow , I’m sorry for that kid too.


Najanator717

Oh, the one about >!Dave Chapelle!<'s comedy special. Why were people defending him? It's not like he hasn't said questionably queerphobic stuff before.


Vivid_Story_904

Oh, you know, the usual. "You're just a miserable cow if you're offended by men invalidating your trauma as a trans person or as a woman," etc etc...


Najanator717

Man, you'd think having your trauma invalidated would give you more empathy, but clearly women and trans people are in a lot of people's empathy blind spot.


7_Rowle

OP you are right to an extent but this is a support group for narc survivors. Bringing this up in the posts themselves or with the mods would be good but just making a post like this out of the blue, especially with the phrase you put in the title is gonna make some of the extra gaslighted people here internalize that even if it’s not true for them specifically.


nzznzznzzc

Yeah I agree with you lol. I’ve been called a “manipulator, abuser, sadist” since I was like quite literally 5/6 years old. You know for doing kid stuff like running to the other parent when one scares you or hurts your feelings. So yeah lol I have lived my whole life this far until very recently thinking I was a terrible piece of shit despite the fact I’m just….not?


[deleted]

[удалено]


nzznzznzzc

This is ironic of you my dude lmfao


[deleted]

[удалено]


nzznzznzzc

No I’m not I’m talking freely about the psychological abuse I’ve endured in a support subreddit lol. Being mean the way you’re being mean, and how you just flagged my account as me being suicidal out of spite, that’s really fucking weird and you need to stop taking your anger out on random strangers. Being mean like this is just so weird bro


SeaTurtlesCanFly

I'm really glad I banned you. Jeezus.


unbrokenSGCA

Yeah, but shhhh we're not allowed to talk about it.


Vivid_Story_904

Apparently not since this post was removed lmao.


unbrokenSGCA

Exactly, I didn't even get to see it. Just that is was removed LMAO