T O P
wiesenleger

Maybe this Child can be the unloved one. Try with the next one.


Which-Start

If martial arts movies have taught me anything it’s that childhood abuse and neglect is the perfect ingredient for making great fighters


wiesenleger

Smart Call. Maybe there is hope for that one. Unfortunsly the kid has to kill op in Bloody revenge but thats a price im willing to pay


Sumonaut

I'll pay it too.


retired-penguin

If we all split the check, we end up with one backhand slap each, which is a price I'm willing to pay to see a good match.


Main_Kirby

I'm down


henry_paprika

OP gotta make sure he has another child (the *chosen one*) in order to avenge his inevitable death.


Deccarrin

Yeah, you gotta properly emotionally damage this child, then have a big redemption arc where you use love to train the kid ready for a big fight against the big bad, before dying to the big bad and his thugs, saving your kid from the attack. The emotional trauma, combined with new found love, only to have that ripped away, is a sure fire way to make sure your kid becomes a martial arts god.


Which-Start

It’s genius


FlounderBeautiful973

Not just movies some of the top fighters started fighting out of necessity. Rarely you see people raised in comfortable environments excel in tough and dirty trades as fighting.


moratnz

OP's best way of doing this is to spend a lot of time punching himself in the balls; he wants to make sure that the lucky sperm has all the training it can get.


wiesenleger

Only the strong survive. If You cant survive punches as a sperm how are you supposed to survive the streets.


CRRK1811

My uncle cant have kids bc of my mom in their childhood


wiesenleger

He should have claimed You as a payment


CRRK1811

Im terrified of the prospect, he once stabbed his hand into a chair bc he was angry, i remember it clearly


markyboy85

I f the kid isn’t at least a black belt in 2 Martial arts and on the way to proficiency in at least 3 more by the time they are born you might as well just give up and try again with the next kid.


reluctanthardworker

I'd say go for it, even if it is a very delayed start.


Clean_Interest2795

Too risky


[deleted]

He needs to make up for lost time. He needs to climb up into that womb and get started on the training.


[deleted]

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Fenikwil

I mean, they are a few weeks late


PLSing

It’s too late.


fartimmy22

Any child that starts training after birth will be a failure, sorry there have been numerous studies, maybe get him into coding...


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br0da__

It’s really not that complicated. You have them train in the womb obviously


Visible_Delay

That’s what I did. I had my child use my wife’s liver as a soft training bag and by the second trimester had them doing shin kicks on the ribs to toughen their bones. I had to delay the black belts awarding ceremony because as my doctor said, “there’s no ethical or medical precedence for what you’re asking.” I know he was just jealous that his kids hadn’t earned a black belt in Shotokan Karate and Hapkido by the time they were born, so he didn’t want to help. But my wife wasn’t thrilled about letting me try on my own, even though I’m a black belt in Krav Maga… /s


[deleted]

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real_maxsash

Not the ones that become something in the world of martial arts


[deleted]

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twisted_mentality

You have to turn the womb into a dojo. This is the way.


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twisted_mentality

You train them in the womb.


Original-Spinach-972

Play the audio of fights into the womb. But it has to be before conception. This is the true mma math.


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DowntownJulieBrown1

This is all just a big joke. No one is being serious. He’s not actually suggesting babies train in the womb, everyone’s just kidding around.


[deleted]

Firstly, this whole thread is intended to be humor. Secondly, no, fetuses are not sleeping the whole time they are in the womb. https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/in-the-womb


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[deleted]

Not sure if this is r/whoosh of if I'm being r/whoosh'd.


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DeluxeDEMON

So, I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume that you genuinely don't understand. This whole post is a joke. Noone is being serious about the baby training before birth. Everybody is making fun of other posts about a parent being concerned that a 10 year old has started training too late in life.


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crow_tits

You ask the mother to do the telepathy


fartimmy22

*The post is mocking other posts from healthy young men that think they are over the hill to learn martial arts...*


motor-tap

When the baby kicks inside your wife’s belly, try to make sure it chambers before and after. Old habits are hard to break.


NoHopeOnlyDeath

And make sure they’re pivoting that goddamn foot when throwing a side kick.


LeoRising222

Depends. Have you been choking out your sperm on the reg? If so, should be good.


GrimmRetails

If that's all it takes then I've been training the foot clan.


valetudomonk

Too late bro! If you didn’t yell your masters name right before you nutted💦💦 your kid just can’t join your dojo 😢


GrimmRetails

Cum Bra Kai


[deleted]

Shotocum


HornyBishop

Start teaching him how to block by punching your wife in the stomach. See if he slips the punches too.


history_nerd92

Good idea. Get that CTE started early


jack-dempseys-clit

Jon? Is that you?


DeluxeDEMON

Fuck. Lmao.


TAG_TheAtheistGamer

Thanks for the morning chuckle take the highest honors I can give a free award and an up vote.


Ralphas-Fuze

Lol good one. Yeah the "is it too late" posts have gotten out of hand.


[deleted]

I’m sorry, but it’s far too late for this comment.


mclark6144

Too bad it’s…. Too late to apologize.


Fenikwil

Sadly, you were too late with this comment.


mclark6144

It’s not too late… it’s never too late.


AndByMeIMeanFlexxo

I’m gonna go right ahead and think that both these comments are song lyrics and not just the first one, I haven’t heard 3 days grace since high school so I’ll just doot you


mclark6144

Lmao it is. It’s a quirk I have. Over half of my conversational replies either online or in person are some sort of song reference. My head is full of random lyrics at all times. My teenage son is similar. Well hold full out conversations with hip hop lyrics 😂


thecookiesayshi

I feel like it's too late for these posts. They stopped being funny a while ago (to me, at least).


Attack_on_Tekken

World championship is out of the picture, but still time to make some noise on the regional scene if you start today


[deleted]

If you don't train in the sack, there is no going back.


CMShoYouRight

Enroll the fetus in a McDojo. He or she will get a black belt by the third trimester.


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NBoraa

I have a feeling parents who exercise are more likely to influence their kids to be more athletic


I3igJerm

Bjj. They are really flexible at that age


1_Evil_1

10/10 shitpost. Have my upvote.


Jadener1995

My kid doesnt have any black belts yet and am planning to have him in just TWO years!! What do I do guys??!?!


SeaworthinessWild548

Well first i think you need to discipline him from the start, because discipline is really important in martial art. And second, don't pressure him too much so he can practice properly, you can start with teaching him takwaendo for good flexibility, or boxing for great speed and agility.


SeaworthinessWild548

How old is your kid?


RedEyedRoundEye

Wow, my kid already had a blackbelt in TKD by then. Embarassing.


Double_Employer_5770

Keep the kid away from Anakin.


maninblackgi

He is too old already


HighAss

The reason they float around like that in the amniotic fluid is because they are ancient astronauts. Sorry bro. Too old.


shleemy-business

Bro you should’ve started your kid off BEFORE conception otherwise they’ll just be left behind skill wise


titanicx

Sorry bro. You didn't start when you were 4 so he will fail.


DadShep

If you start right now training them the Austin Powers judo chop and the Spok Vulcan neck grip I think you'll be OK


Mack_Clack

Beat the shit out of it right after it's born, if they don't get back up and try and keep fighting against a better opponent they don't have the heart of a champion


BearZeroX

It's too late for this one but it's not too late for the next. Use this one as your loved child's adversary, so your loved child can grow stronger. Then just discard this one later in life.


TheLovingTruth

I'd ask her to keep the baby a little longer so they can be big for their age.


Ebolamunkey

If the sperm ain't a shrimping...


Tae_Kwon_Toes

You gotta start training your wife in Gundam style mech and piloting martial arts. Only hope your baby has of kicking effectively at this age.


OobaDaBooba

If he hasn’t been training since he was swimming in the sack then he might as well be an accountant


justbenice9908

Needs to get in shape first. Maybe lift weights?


Which-Start

Lmfao good one! It’s jokes like this that make me feel less insecure about starting in high school


bigtimebonerboy

Seems like you have good swimmers might wanna get them into swimming


Capable-Frosting2619

Do you conceive him in a BJJ submission position? If not I have bad news for you.


Clappa69

Can’t get brain trauma if your brain doesn’t exist yet


farting_samurai

No it's not. Use the ultrasound appointments to train him/her. Pro tip: book extra appointments with few different institutions and jurisdictions. That's what big box gyms don't want you to know.


MoonkeyKing

Its good time, tell your wife to wear black belt til childbirth 🤣


KambeiZ

It's okay just train him a bit harder later


NoHopeOnlyDeath

It’s too late. You gotta train the sperm, man……the *SPERM*


Zerth00

Let the kid be born first...my man trying to get his baby to do fetus fu


LackingCreativity94

Let the kid be born first? That’s way too late, by then most other babies are 9 months into training


Lamballama

But how will they be UFC, Boxinh BJJ, and Muay Thai champion? I want o leave the option open to them, and it seems that training from a younger age gives you an edge


Zerth00

Id say your first MA to try would be BJJ as your baby will be spending alot on time on the ground, by the time it's 12 months it'll be able to submit a gracie.


Lumpy_Advantage2792

Don’t worry about training too late. Let them enjoy life! It will happen when it happens.


DTMRatiug

No the kid still has time to get the kid into martial arts, I’m assuming you’re not including boxing and wrestling in that and they’re already a boss at both of those


Nomiss

If you start now you won't have to worry about the CTE.


Jolpool

You should put him in BJJ! because it is all about skill regardless you body type, with BJJ your kid can currently beat Francis Ngannou!


history_nerd92

If your sperm aren't black belts by the time of conception then it's too late


Vetty81

The best you can do at this point is when the baby is kicking in the womb to correct their technique.


MayRiv

I was side-kicking out of my mom


Vetty81

You were a -*achem*- born natural.


ciscowizneski

They need to start as a sperm bro


TheAmazingAlbanacht

Way to late to compete. The child will never be anything more than a white belt. With that being said, I think Krav Maga would be the perfect fit for your child! Krav Maga can do anything!


powypow

You mean to tell me you didn't have a Bruce Lee movie playing in the background while conceiving? That's the only way to get into the UFC. Everyone knows that. You are a failure as a father and your sperm is weak. Idiot


[deleted]

Not a chance. Anything older than a zygote should be rolled right into geriatric care. IF you had started your kid earlier, BJJ would have been perfect. Too bad you're too late.


nightmareuki

Some quality shit posting here 👍


groundgamemike

It's certainly too late, but here's some advice for next time: 1. Find out sooner (before conception is ideal) 2. Shout your best Kiai during conception 3. Show ultrasound to trusted Sensei for approval If these 3 steps are followed, you should see what looks like a white belt around your child's waist at birth. Good luck!


MayRiv

If he knows how to shrimp, maybe its not to late to give hin to bjj


ChidoriKickz

Studies show that 99.99999% of people who start martial arts after they’re are born don’t become champion. Odds don’t look to good maybe get your child into painting…?


MrHyde_MD

Make up for lost time and start running through sparring sessions as soon as possible. Trial by fire is the best way for the young fetus.


Lemarchand69

This sub is deteriorating into Martial arts circlejerk.. and I kinda love it lmao


tules

Unfortunately that muscle memory is basically locked in place within the fist 30 minutes. They can do Muay Thai as a hobby sure, but they will never reach a high level. I'm sorry. You tried :(


captaincumsock69

He/she can probably get into martial arts but you’d expect someone who had potential to already have a ufc belt at that age.


-BabaYaga-90

Sorry man but there’s only one solution. You and your wife are going to have to be murdered in front of him by an upraising lower class. With this rage in his heart your butler will send him off to ninja school to learn how to fight to make up for lost time.


KWAKUDATSU

Sorry dude, shouldve started when they were a sperm cell 🤷‍♂️


ActorMusician

Not too late. Womb-Fu is one of the most deadly martial arts in existence. Ask any expectant mom about those kicks☠️


Loud-Fig-3701

Call Dana NOW


DJ_Paco

God damn this made my day


173randy

With the measurements you gave it’s best if you have your kid watch and take notes for the first 9 months


BeatnikBeelzebub

What has your sperm being doing In your balls all this time if not training ? I'm surprised that weak undisciplined excuse for spunk could even fertilize an egg.


killer4you

To late Bro. Your child must be black belt in atleast 4 Martial Arts just 3 months before they are born.


Tamerecon

I must be missing something


Enhanced-Revolution

Sorry you didn’t get them started at the moment of conception


CapsLowk

"If a student isn't conceived in the Dojo, he has no place, in the Dojo" - Sensei Kyojin.


kaapie

Congratulations!


neckcramps

Nah man the baby is doing self training in the womb


ronin1066

You mean you left your sperm untrained? While that gross oversight won't prevent your child from enjoying dabbling in the martial arts, it has left them woefully unprepared for true world-class victories. All that wasted time...


Jitsoperator

Well you got 8-9 months of hardcore training still. It’s never to late.


UpsetFuture1974

You don’t teach your sperm marital arts? Fuckin pussy


[deleted]

I'm fucking dying and can't breathe rn lmfao


WILDSAIL

IF he can grow up and say "you kill my fatha" before a fight, then he will be a great martial artist...holup!


suziehomewrecker

Have your wife do some prenatal MMA videos. Your baby will still get the antibodies.


8379MS

You need to train your sperms from when you first enter puberty if they’re ever gonna compete at a high level. Sure, they could probably be hobbyists.


MrPooPooFace2

Unless you impregnated your wife whilst wearing a GI and boxing gloves it's too late.


confusedQuail

If you really push them, you may still be able to make a competent martial artist. I suggest starting with conditioning training, a few good hard roundhouse kicks to the wife's stomach while the baby is in there morning and afternoon, while the kid can practice kicking in between.


bigbuttzwithaz

unfortunately. in 15 years he’ll be posting form inquiry videos on this sub. im sorry for your loss.


JoeSmith1907

Never too early to start. The kid will be restomping your wife's groin before she knows it. Make absolutely sure your wife watches Jackie Chan movies. Sooner or later your kid will get the message.


[deleted]

Send him to a Gracie academy in Brazil and if he manages to find his way back to you he’s ready to challenge ngannou for the belt


HoldTheLineBuffalo

Eh, did you start coaching your jizz the second you nutted?


J0RDM0N

It may not be too late; just get them into kickboxing early. Your wife's kidneys will thank you.


jaxspider

Your procrastination has doomed your child from ever becoming the head of a dojo. You dishonor your family.


mrcold

I've always been told Krav Maga is ideal for the fetal body type. It is late in the game, but you still have a day or two to get going.


GKRKarate99

Your kids should already be black belts by now, my 16 month old is already a sensei Step it up OP


[deleted]

Maybe wait until the kid can decide what they want to do.


BeePuns

Aikido. When you're super small and weak, it doesn't matter if you know aikido. Enter the fetus in an open BJJ tourney and he'll bring home AT LEAST 2nd place, easy.


The4th88

Did she conceive on the mats? If not then you waited too long. Try again with the next kid.


TSG61373

That’s rough, dude. Maybe start slipping your wife some PEDs at least. That should hopefully make up for lost time, and by the time he’s born, he’ll be good and ready for an off-cycle cut.


TheHolyPapaum

If the baby starts kicking, start grading it and telling it how to improve it’s form. Feel bad for the mum though


Pure_Humor

I'm laughing at the title because it reads like "My wife tripped and now she's pregnant." Instead of, "I (hopefully) got my wife pregnant."


Lamballama

I'm not even married, it's just a shit post responding to all the "am I too old for x?" questions


AcademicInspector944

At this age you just want to smack them around to build toughness.


[deleted]

She just got pregnant so no I think there’s time.


IASpartan

They could probably become something specific like an ankle lock specialist


BJJ_Ape

Enrol them in karate, they will be a black belt by the time they are born !!!


skydaddy8585

Start it sparring right away. Just get another pregnant woman to come by and stand belly to belly and let them have at it.


think_future

Sorry, you are too late to start out your kid, should have started training that particular sperm that impregnates the egg. The sperm should have attained at least a black belt first.


GoHawksMatt

Never late...


Great_Coast6916

it's too late to get your child started bro i'm sorry


Hollywoodhadji333

Yes. You should’ve jizzed on the matt.


myronuss

I believe aikido works pretty good with babies


LemonHerb

If you didn't have a sperm kumite just before conception there is no hope


danjerwaff

If he doesn't start kicking soon, I have some bad news for ya...


Drogo10

Start punching her in the stomach now, it will help toughen the kid up for mma.


con_science-404

Nice shit post mate 🤙


FrankGrimesAKAGrimy

I don't see why not. Jon Jones has been known to beat the shit out of fetuses while they're still in the womb. Does that count as sparring?


Rhamnusdruid

I'd suggest BJJ as they will be natural at ground based arts starting out. But likely too late for anything else.


No-Umpire4788

The best thing you can do is get killed in a few years to start their journey of revenge. Be proactive dad!


ducatipotatopotato

Should be okay for Judo


[deleted]

I woulda said it’s too early but then again MA is life


RocketPunchFC

I started training when my dad had a twinkle in his eye.


Brophymusprime

Jiu jitsu for sure. Maybe some Krav when he/she get their yellow belt


IncredulousPulp

They are currently shaped just like kung fu panda, so that’s the style for sure.


nonparodyaccount

Might have to pay for some private lessons to catch up but if they work hard maybe they’ll pull a bronze medal at some local comps


FroZoneSquirel

You need to start at the pump


miamiscubi

BJJ all the way! Get them started with shrimping exercises


NavazShahrukh

No such thing as too late... Start with bruce lee movies.. Progressively come to MMA fights... U need to expose them to different styles..let them feel the energy of the art...at the right time...the art will select the kid.. BTW CONGRATULATIONS...


MuddyRugbyBoots

Too late. He's going to do Krav Maga now.


Bullking66

Send him to fight max Holloway, that's the best base for mma


New-Emphasis-5810

Perfect timing. Doesn’t need to be able to walk to do BJJ, gods martial art.


[deleted]

Amateur move bro you gotta having that jizz throwing slow-motion jabs from the instant it leaves your japs eye


flekfk87

The best time to start is before you were born. So it’s obviously too late yes


rpgmaps0

Just because your kid is doomed to fail now doesn’t mean it’s too late to invoke false hope 😁