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IRageAlot

When I was like 12 maybe, we got a new family computer, with a scanner. I stayed up late playing with it in the den. After scanning everything I could find, I scanned my hands, face, feet, I even scanned my ass. It was so slow though, the scans would be all fucked up and jittery from me moving. So I flipped a small trash can, put the scanner on top and knelt down front of it. I worked up a decent boner and closed it in the scanner. Mid-scan the door to the den slowly opens, it’s my sleepy dad in his underwear looking very confused at me doggy styling the new family scanner. “What are you doing?” “I’m scanning my penis.” He didn’t react at all, he just backed out and closed the door. It was 5 seconds of my life, maybe, but it haunts me. I think about how I said “I’m scanning my penis” in sort of a defiant, “what the hell do you think I’m doing” kind of way but chose the word “penis” which didn’t match the tone. Like I could have said balls, or junk, or whatever.


mysterious-crumb

Definitely in the "sigh deeply and leave the room rethinking your life choices" territory


Sick-Man_NL

When I was 17 or something I was watching porn in the middle of the night. After I did my deed I felt a slight pain in my balls, like someone flicked their finger on them. The pain increased to the point that I had to walk it out. After some minutes I began screaming from the pain when my parents came to my room (don't worry I wasn't naked) seeing me in pain on the floor. At that moment I thought I did something wrong while mastrubating but was to ashamed to tell them. My dad rushed me to the emergency room where I was rushed in and my pants were removed. Laying there dick out they gave me a nose spray which halted some of the pain. The doctor then started fondling my balls while the nurse stood next to me reminding me to breath because the nose spray stopped the automatic breathing if that makes sense. All the time my dad is standing there looking and the only thing I could thing at that moment was oh no do they think my dick is small. After that the doctors brought me to another room while my dad was in another room. While going trough the halls I told the doctor I probably know the cause and explained that I was mastrubating, I don't remember the doctors response but I felt truly ashamed like I was the only person doing such a thing. Later the doctor told me I had testicular Torsion which is caused by the balls not being attached to the sack so I'm living in fear of it happening again to this day


Hi_Finn

Hey dude, I had this happen to me as well a couple of months ago, and it was pretty bad. One thing the did with me at least was that they were able to pretty much artificially make those strands that we were missing and connect my balls to the sack. So if they did do that then there’s only a very small chance that that will ever happen again :)


JudgementalChair

When I was around 10/11 years old, my dad got my brother and I a computer to use. He set it up in the den and pretty much allowed us free unsupervised access to it. He had gone out with his friends one night, and my brother, one of his friends, and myself were on the internet just typing in random things and adding .com to it. Now back in the early 2000's it didn't take long for us to stumble upon porn. Which led us to clicking on more and more porn links because we were all like, holy shit there's naked women on here. Eventually we bricked the computer and it blue screened on us. Instead of turning it off/ unplugging the computer/ turning off the monitor, we just left it and went to bed. My dad got home and saw the blue screen. Did the ol' Ctrl, alt, delete trick to pull up the task manager. Saw that we had porn pulled up on the web browser. At this point he makes us all come out into the den. Sits us on the couch and tries to make us confess to why the computer was blue screened. We of course shrugged and acted like we had no clue. He then turned the monitor on and went through the internet history. We all had to sit there while my dad clicked through some of the most heinous debased shit I've ever seen in my life. The whole time he was just reading out the history and then he'd say something like "Jesus fucking christ, what the hell is wrong with you all". Yeah that computer did not last very long


BROWN_ARCHER_DURDEN

Haha that's hilarious reaction from your dad, sounds like a scene right out of American pie movies


missouriblooms

Thank you, i genuinely laughed out loud at your Dads reaction


Educational_Top122

when i was about 10, my parents were out so i looked up some porn on the family computer (mistake number 1), then i kept hearing noises and thought someone was in the house so i ran to my room and called my dad, leaving to computer on (mistake number 2) my dad rushed home and went around the house looking for an intruder, no one was there, it was just my next door neighbours (we have a semi-detached house) then obviously saw what i was looking at on the computer and asked me about it… i told him the intruder must of broken in and searched it up :(


poirotexpress

So, an intruder came into the house, saw the computer and started watching porn and left.


Handje

Boom. Case closed.


Parish87

In the 90's/early 2000's we bought a pub and moved into it. It had a big screen downstairs and we lived above, but Sky Sports was so expensive for the business account we basically hooked the giant screen to our box upstairs so whenever the sport was on it would show on the screen downstairs, so we couldn't watch TV upstairs except what was being shown on the big screen when this was happening. ​ Anyway one sunday evening around 10pm after the sport (bearing in mind the sport finished at 6pm) I was freely browsing through channels because the giant screen has been wound up into the ceiling and my 14 year old self came across some softcore porn. Curious, I started watching it. ​ Suddenly there was a big buzz from the phone that connected to downstairs, I answer it. It's my mum with laughing in the background. "WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING??" I was like "errr.. I was just flicking through channels.." "Well you've stayed on that one for a while haven't you?". ​ I forgot abouit the small TV in the bar area. It was still on and was showing the entire pub what my horny 14 year old ass was watching. I was mortified. Luckily my mum never brought it up again and neither did any of the customers thankfully.


Blowsmarysbaby

Holy shit I can actually relate to this! In grade 9 we didn't have internet at home (which wasn't unusual at the time). I saw this lady on Maury Povich that had reallllly large breasts and she advertised her WEBPAGE. This was something I just had to see. The internet was still enough of a novelty that ANY website was worth checking out but porn was, up until now, only available by stealing dirty magazines. So the next day in design class I take the computer at the far end of the room which was flanked by the darkened windows of an adjacent classroom. You can guess where this is going. I turn the screen away from my classmates and teacher and start looking at the glorious, bountiful bosoms of this Maury Povich guest. Moments later I notice movement in my peripheral vision and when I turn my head, I see that the classroom I thought was empty, was in fact full. It was full of laughing and pointing seniors. Their teacher rushes in the room screaming "YOU CANT DO THAT!!!", grabs me by the wrist and physically pulls me to the principals office. The principal was the best. He just looked at me and asked "No internet at home?" And when I said "no", he said "Well I think you've been through enough. Don't do it again" with a chuckle and let me go without further punishment. Needless to say I was pretty much famous in my high school and in the worst way possible. People would literally point and laugh at me in the halls "hey it's the porn guy!!". Fuck My Life.


J4viator

> "errr.. I was just flicking through channels.." "Well you've stayed on that one for a while haven't you?" May have peed myself a bit reading that


GallantPotatoSupreme

That is absolutely astonishing. The patrons are probably still laughing about that sometimes.


one9eight5

When I was 5 or 6 years old my mom was having a dinner party with some new friends. I'd been put to bed for the night, and I randomly (unaroused) got a boner. I learned that I could move it up and down if I flexed it. I thought this was so cool that I needed to share it with somebody, so I ran out to the dinning room, totally naked, and preceded to show an entire dinner party my new dick-trick... Everyone was mortified and I was confused why no one thought it was cool.


Truesmas

When I was around 13 y/o , my brother walked in to me trying to suck my own dick..... Upside down.... butt in the air.......hunched over.


itisbaileyikilledyou

When i was 12 my younger sister walked in on me playing fondle the dongle. I told her I couldn't pee and was trying to force/pump it out. She told my mom out of worry. Said i needed a doctor to help me pee. When Mom confronted me about what my sister was saying i then had to explain it to her.


fambestera

You've got to pump it up!


kackygreen

Tbh this is a caring way to explain it and keep your sister from having to learn things too young, and sweet that she was concerned enough to try to get you to the doctor


THE-aVerageREDDITOR

Haha this is the most funny thing I’ve seen on this post


Alwin_

When I was with my ex, we did some long distance for a while. While I am not about sending nudes, after not seeing each other for a long time you kinda get an urge to see the other person naked. So, nudes were exchanged. She was mostly interested in close ups of my erect penis so I send those. Upon returning home I discovered that she had set a picture of my erect penis as my profile picture in her phone. Meaning that if I'd call her, my penis would be presented on the screen in all its glory. I told her this was a very stupid idea, what if I'd call and her phone was laying around somewhere? She said she never had her phone laying around so no one would see. I didn't think much of it. Few weeks later we were having dinner with her parents and she was talking about getting a new phone. Her father, with a straight face and in between two bites of his food, remarked "Gee, if you get this new phone, does that mean you'll install a different picture for when he calls you?" I died a thousand deaths.


aBlackTrain

She wasn’t very bright about that one haha


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fargmania

Oh he rehearsed that one -you know he did! And he waited for the perfect moment to maximize horror and humiliation for all. What a beast of a dad!


GentleCornDogEater24

Chad dad


216horrorworks

"My phone's ringing, can you see who's calling?" "Oh....... Just some dick." Edit; thanks for the shiny, kind stranger!


Shef43

In middle school my friend got her boobs and she wanted me to touch them. We probably spent 30 minutes everyday before school groping each other in the back of the library until the librarian caught us and we were suspended. I wish I could say I enjoyed it but going to 1st period with a raging boner was not ideal everyday.


MinisApprentice

I love the use of the phrase “got her boobs” as if she ordered them from somewhere


GRYFFIN_WHORE

Lol I was a bit similar. I remember getting boobs early in middle school and my best friend asked if he could touch them. I let him, because I thought it was nice of me


Targetmissed

The friend we all wished we had.....


thelegalseagul

I had started taking anti depressants when I was around 20 and didn’t take “delayed ejaculation” as a side effect seriously. It was like blowing up a balloon to infinity and it never pops or shaking a soda that doesn’t explode after being opened. That being said after masturbating myself started taking more than 10 minutes I stopped. Around this time I also started dating someone with a high libido and she was okay with me not being able to finish but was into a lot. One of those things was wanting me to stroke myself on her. Let me tell you the awkwardness that goes from stroking yourself in front of a smiling girl for half an hour. That smile turns into an bored look as we both sink into what we’re doing *kink unlocked*. When she gave a defeated “are you close” the floodgates opened and after being “delayed” for near an hour there was a lot. Even worse, I definitely made a guttural sound of mostly air as my knees almost gave out while it happened. Yeah so I’m on a different anti depressant now


MyPupWrigley

My HS gf and I were having sex in the sideways laying down cuddling position. Mom walked in to show me a new Christmas decoration. To her it looked like we were just cuddling but she sat on the bed inches away from me actively inside her and proceeded to talk about the decoration for like 10 minutes. I wonder if she knew. They never cared much about that stuff so I think she was just oblivious


jelliieeee

Same thing happened to me but my mum came in to show my boyfriend at the time some baby photos of me she found and thought he would get a laugh out of. Mood killed.


Smash_4dams

Same thing happened to me! Except her mom put her hand on my leg while she kept talking on a tangent for 5 minutes. I felt myself slip out


PM_ME_UR_CATS_TITS

I saw this movie


hahaha01357

But it usually doesn't end like this.


WhyIsMyBreadSoggy

This reminds me, back in high school I was eating my gf out in my room, and my mom had a habit of only knocking like 1 or 2 times really quickly and then just letting herself in. So mom walks in and she’s like oop sorry and walks out. Next time I saw my mom alone she was like “I don’t want to walk in on my son going down on his gf” and I said “don’t walk in then?” After that she’d always knock and then just crack the door so she could say what she needed to say, never fully walked in the room again after that lol


MustyLlamaFart

Same for me but her mom AND her 2 little brothers came in and her brothers were jumping on the bed while her mom was talking to us. So god damn uncomfortable. I had to pullout and discreetly pull my pants up 😂


epitomeofascorpio

I tried to make a dildo out of a hot glue gun.


matatatias

This is some 5-minute craft stuff.


MaxTheRealSlayer

The original 3d printer


DDsLaboratory

Shagging my wife (then girlfriend) in the back of my car when a bright light shines in the window. Cop asks “what’s going on here.” I calmly respond “Just having sex sir.” He was nice. Told us it was technically public nudity and it would be best if we just high tailed it out of the parking lot


[deleted]

Thought no one was home. I got full on railed by my partner and I was really loud. Turns out my mum was home....


Halinowiec

Yikes I had something similar except we left the door open


A_Dazzling_Method

Oh god, when I was like 13, my mother walked in on me using her vibrator. The look on her face went from incomprehension to shock to utter disgust over the span of a second or two. She stayed calm and explained how it wasn't appropriate or sanitary for me to do that, but I just remember how unsmiling and tense she was, totally unlike I'd ever seen her. Decades ago but still cringe so much recalling it.


MajorJuana

I had one of those oral-b mechanical toothbrushes, all of us kids did. One day I found mine underneath the sink with one of the saucy romance books my mom loved. Turns out my sister liked them too, and was using the back end of my toothbrush. I wish I hadn't snapped so bad, I called her in the bathroom and showed her and smashed the toothbrush against the wall and yelled at her asking why she didn't use her own and she said "because it was nasty" and she said she thought I would never know lol which looking back I suppose I can see the logic, she was like 13 maybe idk, I was angrier maybe than I should've been. Now it's been twenty ish years so I doubt bringing it up would be any help lol Edit: someone was talking about how cheap they were but I guess when I think Oral-B my mind goes to the mechanical toothbrushes with the base, high dollar at the time I think like this https://oralb.com/en-us/products/toothbrushes/battery-toothbrushes/complete-battery-toothbrush/


redraider-102

I feel like you were the appropriate amount of angry.


Patapwn

I have felt bad before at snapping over things loved ones have done to me but that is totally justified anger. That was really selfish and gross what she did. She should have known better and you rightly called her out for it.


Morbid187

I'm still haunted by the time I snapped on my little sister. Big age difference between us so while I was taking college classes, my sister was still in middle school. I was taking summer classes & after class, I'd go sit with her until my parents got home from work. I guess she was around 11 or 12. Anyway, driving home one day I was thinking about this box of Captain Crunch they had on top of the fridge & how I was gonna fuck that up as soon as I got there. Instead, I walked in to see that my sister had filled up like 6 bowls with cereal & milk and was waiting for me to get home so she could ask permission to take them to the kids next door. Of course the cereal was soggy as shit as it'd been sitting there for well over an hour. And of course she used ALL of the cereal. Like I said, I feel horrible for it in hindsight but I bitched her out like never before lmao. I told her the only way I'd let her take them to the neighbors is if *she* ate one bowl of it first which of course, 1 bite in & she learned that cereal gets soggy lol. She'll still bring it up every now & then but thank god it's more of a "haha remember that time?" way & less of a "I'm so traumatized" way.


yeepix

Yeah she didnt even wash it wtf


TheWhiteOwl23

At first i thought you meant she walked in, using her own vibrator. Like she was just roaming the house having a wank lmao


masterpainimeanbetty

ah, the ol' Moist Hobo


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andrez444

Same thing happened to me except I was running up hundreds so little ol me could talk to my hero Hulk Hogan


tommytraddles

That's maybe the cutest thing in this post of otherwise utter depravity. If my kid did this, couldn't even be mad.


91901bbaa13d40128f7d

I was once **extremely** drunk and staying in a very expensive hotel in hollywood. I went to bed, as I should. I woke up in the middle of the night and had to pee. I walked through the bathroom door and closed it behind me. I then realized that that wasn't the bathroom door, but rather the room door. I was locked out of my room in a fancy hotel, drunk off my ass, wearing only my underwear. I went to the elevator lobby where there was a phone and called the front desk and explained my situation. They said they would send someone up. I realized I couldn't wait and continued searching for a place to pee and found a janitor closet with a rolling mop bucket in it. I took a giant piss in the mop bucket and then walked back to my room door, where a bellhop who really didn't want to look me in the eye let me back into my room. I'm very sorry, Mondrian hotel.


DreyaNova

I love this. It’s the Mondrian… they’ve seen worse and much weirder. You’re fine.


IrrelevantPuppy

My dad caught me editing the game files of The Sims to replace the female underwear textures with “underwear” that just makes them look nude. Looked up reference material and edited them in photoshop. That a lot of effort to put into something so depraved.


Segfaultimus

They had mods that did that for you man. Even with the first one.


IrrelevantPuppy

I didn’t even know about mods back then. I guess it’s weird that I knew more about how to do this manually than that I could just download a mod. At least this way I learned early the hard way how low the vagina is. Looks pretty weird if you plop it on in the same place a dick would go.


bran0463

>Looks pretty weird if you plop it on in the same place a dick would go. Funniest shit I read today. Thanks.


apocalypticradish

Oh god, there was a mod for the original Sims called "art studio" or something where you could upload pictures with frames and hang them up in your Sims' houses. Horny teenage me uploaded a ton of porn pics to hang in every Sims house like a completely normal person would. Thankfully I was the only person in the house who ever played the game so no one ever saw my weirdo houses full of porn pics on every wall.


hammybachy

I was violently ill. In my fiancé’s house where we were living. While he was at work, and his dad was work from home. I needed my mom to take me to the hospital. I screamed for my father in laws help, who entered the bathroom to my nude body, shitting and puking at the same time in his bathtub. He called my mom for me, and we never spoke about it.


FetishAnalyst

He was probably just as mortified by the scene, best for everyone to just forget and move on.


hammybachy

It was a truly awkward encounter and honestly? I love that man for putting his brain blinders on and just helping me when I needed it. family I guess 😅😅


toothofjustice

As a parent I can honestly say I have had to help out my kids friends in all kinds of ways. My oldest is in middle school and doesn't have a boyfriend yet but I'm sure that I'll view them as just another friend that I have to play temporary parent to when they come over.


hammybachy

You sound like such a good parent. 🤍


G4rg0yle_Art1st

I thought God would kill me for masturbating when I was little so I barely ever did it, but the house would know when I was doing it because I'd yell "I'm sorry God!" My family wasn't even religious, I didn't even know where I got that Idea from.


cynical_enchilada

Somehow the idea of your parents being non religious makes this shit so much funnier. Like, instead of being disappointed, they’re just thoroughly confused by their weird kid


Earls_Basement_Lolis

Child in a distant room in the house: "I'm sorry God!" Parents in the living room: 🤔


FinnsterBinnster

I love the fact that you thought you would die from masturbating and still did it lmao


Nostromeow

When my friends had to change my hygienic pad at a party in high school where I was drunk out of my mind. They gave me a shower to « wake me up » and took off the used pad and put a new one on and helped me get dressed. Not my proudest moment Edit : in the same vein, I brushed a friend’s teeth after a party bc he was super out of it but « hated the taste » in his mouth. We put him on a mattress to sleep and I got a (new) toothbrush with a little bit of toothpaste, and gently brushed his teeth as he was laying there smashed. Then I put a water bottle and a bucket next to him and he fell asleep like a baby lol Also, important advice : if you are helping a drunk person go to bed make sure you put them in « lateral sleep position ». They lay on their side and you can use pillows to put against their back and belly to make sure they stay put. If they lay on their back and puke during their sleep they could choke/drown.


Puns4Life_

those are some really good friends though


Wallowingwatermelon1

Bloody good friends


TeamDense7857

As a stupid 16 year old me and my best friend stole alcohol from her family and did shots. The problem was that she had a regular shot glass but I had a double one. I having never drank before did 16 shots. I got so drunk that I was throwing up everywhere. She got my clothes off, let me wear one of her outfits and then washed my hair in her sink and got me into bed, to this day I am so grateful for her.


Dermagorgon

My best friend had to strip and change me (my clothes were covered in vomit) whilst I was sobbing and vomitting in her bathroom. I was literally hugging the damn toilet bowl naked and she was like 'you have to let go so that I can get this shirt on you' lmao


Alert-Amphibian-3284

Good friends


nothing___matters

A cheap bachelor-party dildo melted in my bedside drawer after the AC in my room broke for a week... but I didn't know that until I got my hand stuck in it in front of a guy who was asking me out. I opened the drawer and reached in looking for my chapstick while we were talking, and to my absolute horror, I couldn't pull my hand back out-- it was completely stuck to something. It turns out that a fake-silicone vibrator I got as a gag gift melted around the 3 other real-silicone ones and then started to cure again. It was like half-dry super glue... But ya know, shaped like a 4-HEADED DICK. It looked *weaponized.* And crucially, it was stuck to my fucking hand. The dude tried to help me, but he just ended up getting it on his hands too. We had to take turns spraying each other with scalding hot water to get it off. I've never been so mortified in my life. Needless to say, we never saw each other again.


Pure-Meat9498

A weaponized 4-headed vibrator sounds absolutely hilarious and terrifying at the same time!


dpool1fan

Okay, so when I was probably 15 my girlfriend was sleeping over. We weren't supposed to be alone, but everyone else had gone to bed without checking on us, so we decided to have some fun in my room. My room was at the top of the house and had a staircase leading up to the door. I had hung up one of those dangling bead things at the bottom of the steps a long time ago because my door didn't have a lock on it and my family didn't respect boundaries. So if I heard the beads moving I would know that I had about 0.5 seconds before someone came barging into my room, which was better than nothing. So it's probably 11:00 pm and my gf and I are having some pretty awkward teenage sex when I hear the beads. Panic. I think it's my step dad coming upstairs to check on us (because walking into my room at almost midnight to make sure I was in bed was normal for him.) So I move as fast as I have ever moved in my life. I threw the blankets over my gf to cover her up. I had left my pants around my ankles for just this situation, so I reached down and yanked them up as fast as possible. The issue with this was that I had only managed to grab hold of my pants, not my underwear. This resulted in the underwear rolling up my very hairy legs, taking lots of said hair with it, and giving me the most painful self-inflicted wedgie of all time. Having no time to acknowledge the pain I was suddenly in, I rushed to the door to open it, trying to come up with some excuse as to why I was in a room alone with my gf. I opened the door, and to my surprise there was no one there. I looked down a little bit, and staring up at me with his big dumb face was my family's dog. My gf and I laughed about it after I was done un-wedging myself, but sexy time was definitely over.


Acceptable-Stay-3166

Had sex in a carpark and a passing driver tried to highfive me....still haunts me.


luntcips

Is it because you missed the high five? Otherwise, who cares?


Acceptable-Stay-3166

I was on the way to the bin before I left and was in a daze so I dodged his arm without thinking but looked back as he drove away and realised he had been watching. I am not really the type who likes an audience. The carpark was really deserted and dark.


Swarlolz

I grew up in an incredibly rural area with dialup internet. I was only able to load nude images from the top down. I finished before it loaded past the neck. My fetish is a pretty face and a beautiful happy smile.


baguettefrombefore

Do you get hot and flustered when you see those photos of happy people eating salads?


hobbitybobbitygeek

This one. This one got me lol


Swarlolz

I wish it was a joke. Some men are ass men some like boobs. I love a beautiful smile


hobbitybobbitygeek

Strangely wholesome


Feels2old

13 y/o and horny I dug a penis size hole in the ground, filled it with axle grease and fucked it.


depressedfuckboi

9 months later lightening McQueen was born


WilligerWilly

ka-chow


Sniper_Guz

So you lost your virginity to Mother Earth? Motherfucker.


Beneficial_Car2596

I think we have a winner and the possible progenitor of a dirt-human/ axle grease hybrid species. You are the father of a new species, earth fucker


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Huabiao1980

>Yes, she watched it. ...to the end?


Significant_Drag_465

My HS boyfriend and I were having sex in his attic bedroom, both of us completely naked. I was bouncing and moaning and making a lot of noise with the headboard because we were home alone. Well, his mom came home early and we had no idea until she was at the top of the stairs calling his name and walked in on me, totally naked and riding her son. She took a breath, calmly told us to get dressed and come downstairs. When we did, she told us she was disappointed and asked him to walk me home. He very quietly told her we had planned to go to church youth group afterwards. She let us leave after she picked her jaw up off the floor. That was the first time I’d met his mom.


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grapesaresour

Porn in the woods for the new generation


GlorifiedPanWithArms

*The Sacred Sauce.*


Animaybenot

I wonder if people do this kinda shit with their crypto info.


sprinkle_It

They do. Had a friend invest in 1800 Bitcoin when it first came out. He thought it wouldn’t take off and hid the codes to his ewallet and forgot where. Then Bitcoin blew up. He spent 2 years looking and never found them. Gave up after that.


Doctor__Ew

That’s over 100 million at its peak. I’d still be looking.


iteve9988

I had just started discovering myself around the age of 12 and was starting to watch porn, I was already craving to know what cock felt like inside of me but the closest thing I had to the shape of a cock was a hairbrush with a circular handle. So with this I went to town until I got tired. About 2 weeks later I was due for my period but it was late and I immediately starting freaking out thinking I was pregnant. I decided to tell my mum balling my eyes out, apologising for being pregnant which confused my mum quite a bit. It was about 30 mins later that my mum had to re explain how sex worked and how hairbrushes don’t get you pregnant 😅


PRIVET_RUSSKI

"Mom the tooth brush impregnated me"


Korncakes

When I was a teenager I was obsessed with Nirvana. I had all of their albums, a bunch of shirts, and a bunch of books, including a couple conspiracy theory books about him being murdered. Anyway, I got grounded and had all technology taken away from me. One day I was super horny and having trouble whacking it without porn. I was mid-whack when I remembered that there was (for some fucking reason) a photo in one of the conspiracy books of Courtney Love’s tits. For two weeks straight, sometimes multiple times a day, I jerked off to Courtney Love’s tits in black and white. Shameful. Edit: [the book for those interested. Don’t remember the page number but it was like midway through.](https://www.amazon.com/Love-Death-Murder-Kurt-Cobain/dp/0743484843#)


MaxTheRealSlayer

Cum as you are


ChemicalAd5068

Oh yeah and one time i got to my ex gf's house and no one was home, so we proceeded to have SUPER loud sex in the kitchen and then in her room, where we put some music on as well. After we finished, i got up and went to the kitchen for some water. Of course, i was naked cause no one was home and i love being naked. So I get the water and as I'm going back up to her room, i hear a noise in the living room. I look to the left and sure enough, there are her parents staring at me. Mom gave a weird kind of grimace, but dad merely looked at me like he'd just come back from the war. I left and didn't go back there for about a month, and it took me about 2 or 3 more before I could even make eye contact with dad. He seemed fine though, i was way more embarrassed. Turns out they'd gone home looking for some private time as well and for some reason hadn't said hello when we walzed in. Also, they were pretty strict so until then they had the understanding that their little princess was still a virgin. Everytime i travelled with them after and before this, we stayed in different rooms and the whole shebang.


Oh_umms_cocktails

I have vitiligo, meaning patches of my skin have no melanin at all. It's not very noticeable as I'm fairly light skinned and, except for a couple patches on my hands, it's mostly on my penis. When I was maybe 15 a girl I had a crush on noticed the patches on my hands and asked about it. I explained what it was and she asked if I had it anywhere else, I answered, as I said, it's mostly on my penis. She kind of chuckled and said "so it look like a cow?" I said "yes" (it does in fact look like a cow). She said "I would love to see it." I said "yeah it's weird," turned around and walked away, completely and entirely oblivious. **Edit::** 1) A couple of women have asked if I'm *him.* No, none of the stories match mine. This woman worked with me on the Orcas Islands, Washington, between 1998-2002. She had short hair and was a hippy. Apparently, according to he comments at least, a ton of men have vitiligo on their genitals so if you have a "missed connections story" there's about 40 guys here who have "cow penises." 2) How did I miss something so obvious? I was extremely insecure about my body. It was very common for me to assume that women were joking when they were hitting on me, and I've since been told by a number of women I went to high school with that I was completely oblivious to their advances. Even when I did date before college I absolutely ruined the relationship by being so insecure and uncomfortable with the idea that women would actually be attracted to me. 3) To those of you thinking she wanted to see it so she could "just tell her friends." No. This woman was incredibly sweet, kind, and friendly--one of the reasons I had a crush on her. She never gossiped and was always very understanding and thoughtful to everyone. She was really one of the nicest people I have ever met, one of the reasons why, in addition to how smoking hot she was, I absolutely could not believe she was actually interested in me.


AdActive3883

I wanna see your penis Yeah it's weird ****Walks away**** 12 years later; "HANG ON A SECOND"


[deleted]

takes years to randomly figure something like that out


TL_TRIBUNAL

I thought I was bad at taking hints.


Illustrious_Swan4251

I was (32F) in the car with a man at the end of a date, and I offered to get us a hotel room to mess around. He laughed and said goodbye. Maybe 30 minutes later he got to his house and texted if I was serious, and asked if he should turn around.


smol_boi-_-

What was your response?


vishalb777

Better pay attention to the road so you don't miss any more signs


the_bosun

No way you missed that


TheBrownMamba8

I don’t trust this guy driving. He’d miss every sign.


FulaniLovinCriminal

> completely and entirely oblivious I know that feeling. 16, at a party, girl asked if I had a six pack. I kinda did at the time. Not from working out or anything, just being way too skinny. "Can I see?" she asked, pulling me into a bedroom. "Maybe later" I said, as I had only run upstairs to get a stopwatch so I could time my mate do his beer centurion. I genuinely thought she only just wanted to see my skinny-ass stomach. It was honestly like a year later, I was like "ohhhhhh...."


anulustrikesback

We are gonna pray for you tonight bro.


throwawayalientk

I used to read some weird erotica when I was younger as I hated all porn in video form. I distinctly remember reading one a that had women in stalls like cows. They kept using this term “hucow” which at the time I didn’t realize was obviously a mash up of the word human and cow. I didnt think much of it but one time I was talking to a friend and I was trying to remember the term for a female cow. My brain thought “hucow” and I almost said it before catching myself. I know they probably wouldnt have caught on, but it killed me inside that I almost said something from some pretty weird porn


Painting_Agency

> trying to remember the term for a female cow This is the most fucked up part of the story. I mean... IT'S A COW.


helenahandbasket6969

When I was about 13 I would pretend I was like 18+ on Habbo Hotel and other stupid sites, and then strike up connections and talk dirty (as dirty as a religious, sheltered 13 year old girl can be) with total strangers across the internet who were absolutely far older than I. I used some random unknown actress as my fake DP. My Mum found out what I was doing and made me read several entire MSN messenger conversations out loud to her so I would hear my own shameful words. Absolutely mortified. Edit: It was definitely a terrible punishment from my Mum and it did deep damage but in all fairness she was very much under the thumb of my Dad who was a minister (and a prick.) She was totally ill equipped and just reacted out of her own shame. They’ve since divorced, both remarried, left religion and are far better parents and people these days.


LilFingies45

Don't worry. They were all 13 too. Hell, some of us were 12. edit: Did any other young, horny dudes ever pretend to be a lesbian in lesbian chats? Lol. I was such a little piece of shit the first couple of years we finally got the Internet at home. Sometimes I would troll chatrooms and just completely disrupt the conversation. There were virtually no spam controls at first. And the days when AOL was still vulnerable to punters... 🤘👹🤘


runninon

Did you ever hear about the controversy surrounding HABBO? The website was absolutely infested with pedophiles. It was all over the news probably 8 years ago now. So, unfortunately some of the people chatting with her likely *could* have been adults also.


LilFingies45

Nah you're right. I just remember being 12 and lying that I was 16-18 in AOL chats, meanwhile expecting some portion of the young "girls" I was chatting up to be middle-aged men.


PM_ME_CHIPOTLE2

Wait are saying that 17FCali wasn’t really who she said she was??? And her camera wasn’t actually always broken??


LieutenantDanbo

My first proper girlfriend and I were out walking and came across a bird hide. Not a shooting blind, but a bug wooden shed thing for watching birds from. We got down to it with little delay. About 4 minutes later a family of 6 walked right in, whilst we were in full flow. 4 kids and the parents. For about 3 months we were terrified we were going to get arrested for exposing ourselves to minors...


LieutenantDanbo

Oh, and also having the same girl's mum walking in on us when were at it. On Christmas morning. I had to go downstairs and face her entire extended family of 12 before getting kicked out.


Morbid187

Oh god. Gf was riding me under the covers in her room when her mom suddenly walked in. Her mom acted completely oblivious and stood there talking to us for what felt like 10 minutes while my gf just tried her best to stay still enough to keep the covers from falling over & exposing what was really happening. So basically, I had a whole-ass conversation with this chick's mom while my penis was inside her daughter. To this day I don't know if her mom was just pretending not to realize what was going on or if she was really that oblivious but she definitely didn't seem upset at all.


Scuzzball666

I once tried to smack a girls ass when she was riding me and whacked myself square in the balls. It made an audible *thwack* and we had to stop for a bit while I doubled over in pain. We had a good laugh about it but I really thought my aim was better than that


yeetmesomejuice

I’m waking up To ash and dust I miss her ass and I slap my nuts


DouViction

This is it The Apocalypse


mustard5man7max3

\*Yoda death sound\*


THEICEMAN998

First time I looked at porn I got a virus on my laptop, it turned my camera on and locked my laptop. Said this is the fbi pay x fine. I was white as a ghost and went and told my mum and dad. Stupid me didn't realise it was fake until dad showed me it was bullshit, the fright of it got me. To this day dad still laughs about it and comments about it randomly. Really this is my most upvoted comment?! I'm glad you all enjoyed me having to tell my parents I was beating my meat. Thanks for the silver too.


PhilosoKing

I also got this virus as a teen. First thing I did was to text my best friend so he could bring me to the police station the next day so that I can "explain" myself. Thankfully I pressed the "restart" button shortly afterwards, which fixed everything lol


chiefs_fan37

Happened with my dad. Swear he knew how to fix based on personal experience. "we know a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two" or whatever


johnnyfong

I was very young like 10 or younger and I would stay up late at night to look at porn. I was in the 90s so there was no pornhub or anything and I was mostly just looking up porn site and get excited at the free sample. One night, all of a suddenly, I feel a lot of guilt for looking at porn and felt like I did something evil. I walked up to my mum, crying, and basically turn myself in of looking up porn as if I killed someone. To my mum's credit, she didn't mock me or yell at me or anything. She just laughed a little, and gave me a talk about how it is ok to be attracted to woman and want to see naked body, just need to do it in a safe and healthy manner. Looking back, I'm always very embarrassed about the whole incident but also a little proud of my mum for being so open and chill. Edit: So my top comment ever is me exposing my child hood embarrassment. Note sure how I feel about that. Anyway, thank you every one for the kind words and the awards! My mum is a very good mum and I and very grateful for how she raise me. She treat me with the same kind of acceptance and respect in other aspect of my life as well. Glad to know that you all think she is cool as well!


Hm_Maybe_

You got a good mom. So many people shame their kids. It's sad.


Porkrinder_58

I had a little magazine with erotic stories(not even any photos) hidden in my dresser at 12 years old. My mom found it and was pissed saying I must get my perverted side from my dad because I certainly didn’t get it from her. Little did she know I was already aware of her and my step dads several porn vhs’s and sex toys


jejcicodjntbyifid3

>Little did she know I was already aware of her and my step dads several porn vhs’s and sex toys "You know what? Now I'm going to start jerking to them even HARDER!"


No_Soap2

My god, my mom would shame me for everything, that I never wanted to tell her anything. After an ex broke with me, I felt like shit as anyone does, mom got up in my face asking me what was wrong, and I reluctantly told her. She then would use it to make fun of me when she was mad at things. She would say "this is why you dont have a girlfriend anymore" and it made me furious. It still makes me furious, because she knew nothing about what happened, and the fucking audacity she has to act like she does and make fun of me for it, still pisses me off. And she would do this right after she hit me, which of course I would block and then she would claim I was the abuser and started howling One time she flipped out when my girlfriend didn't want to come over yet, because her parents just didnt feel read yet, which I understood and frankly didtn care because oh well I can wait. She flipped out and started a verbal argument with them over the phone about it, because she was somehow insulted, then she wouldn't let me see her anymore then when she finally let me see her again, we met at a restaurant I think, my girlfriends mom apologized to me for getting into a verbal fight with my mom, which I was star struck because we both knew in a million years it wasnt her fault, and yet she was trying to make it right. Girlfriends mom left and we surprisingly had a good time. My mom comes to get me (didnt have a car I was like 17 or 16) and I told her that girlfriends mom came to apologize, and my mom went berserk, she dumped me out of the car, ( i was stepping in) drove away and called girlfriends mom and started screaming at her, I didnt get the entire conversation out of my girlfriend, but my mom was basically saying my mom was saying that she flled my head with lies and called them a lot of names. We broke up shortly after because of my girlfriends frustration with everything that happened. I understood and we still laugh about it when we talk. Edit: decided to add another story


theSpine12

During a yoga class my pants split open. I pointed down at my crotch to ask the teacher if “I was doing this right” before seeing my member hanging out on the floor. Jumped up as soon as I saw. Leaving a stammering teacher behind me. It was his first class after graduating from training as well


qwertysam95

Are you not supposed to wear underwear under yoga pants 😭


bigleerer

Took me a second to realise you hadn't noticed the rip before pointing haha


TheRunningFree1s

crouching pervert dangling dragon


s3thgecko

I was 16 and my girlfriend and me were in her room and doing the deed with the lights off, under the covers, and her mom walks in, not realizing what we were doing, since the lights were off, and casually starts talking to her daughter. After a little bit she did realize what we were doing and she storms off. Another time, same place, same girl, same mom, she walks in when I'm sitting at my girlfriends bed naked reaching for my underwear. I was really ashamed, her mom too.


DouViction

Her mom does need to learn how to knock.


s3thgecko

Yeah. Among other things that were/are seriously fucked with her. This was 26 years ago, though.


jdfroo

I was 18. Came home very drunk from a night out and hopped into bed with my then girlfriend. Fortunately for me, she woke up and was keen to fool around. Me being in the state I was in, didn’t have time for lubricant and/or aiming and went in hard and fast. The first and only push led to what I can only imagine as the equivalent of snapping your Achilles tendon, except this tendon wasn’t located on my leg. It was in fact my frenulum (google it). Instantly, I panicked. I turned the light on and told my ex to “hang on”. I looked down to see that I had basically snapped my ‘banjo string’ in half and essentially given myself a DIY circumcision. There was a lot of blood. I played it cool. My gut instinct was to run to the bathroom. Once I made it here, I wrapped my wang up in toilet paper like Tutankhamen, emptied out the toothbrush cup holder, filled it with warm water and stuck my dick in the cup to try to ‘cool it down’. It hurt. By this time, I’d lost a fair amount of blood and me being me (hypochondriac/bad with blood) tried to sit down on the side of the bath to try not to pass out. Didn’t work. Anyway, long story short, I woke up to my ex girlfriends dad standing over me at 7am in the morning (around 3 hours later) after he had followed a trail of blood down the hallway to where he would normally take his morning shower. There I was, laying in the bathtub, passed out, dick wrapped up in toilet paper, shoved inside his toothbrush cup holder, naked as the day I was born, covered in blood. My partner at the time fell back asleep after I’d left the bedroom that night, and left her poor father to find me black out drunk in his bathtub after trying to bang his daughter. He thought I was dead. I wished I was. Edit: spelling


RKS10044

Well, this is not necessarily NSFW, but it is somewhat embarrassing. For over a decade I worked in a high rise office building. At noon I would change into a tee shirt, shorts and runners to go for a walk/jog. One day I changed and took the elevator from the 8th floor to ground and when I arrived there I check my shorts pocket to make sure I had my pass key. However, I was surprised to find that I had no pockets! Well, I quickly realized that I had neglected to put on my shorts and was standing in the lobby, overflowing with the lunch crowd, in my underwear (boxers). So, instead of a jog I took the stairs and sprinted up 8 floors (great workout)! Luckily I was able to get back into our office without (I don't believe) anyone noticing. A great rationale for wearing dark coloured boxers!


bemi_san

I had food poisoning and my boyfriend had to clean up the entire bathroom. Woke up in the night feeling pretty bad so I got up to go be sick. As soon as I got to the bathroom I felt it coming so I threw myself at the toilet and started throwing up. As I did, I started shitting all over the floor (we both sleep naked so I wasn't wearing any pants) which surprised me so I had to jump up, sit on the toilet and aimed my sick into the sink which thankfully was right next to me and within reach. All the noise woke my boyfriend who came and knocked on the door so I screamed don't come in, but him being the caring and loving boyfriend he is decided he would come and hold my hair out of my face for me, not realising the absolute horror he was walking into. It was a tiny bathroom, just big enough for the bath, the toilet and a sink, so not only was there liquid shit all over the floor, it had sprayed up the back of the door, the wall, the side of the bath and the sink base. It was a bathroom in the centre of the house too, so no windows to open for the smell. He made me get in the shower while he cleaned up everything. We've never spoken about it since, but we've since gotten married so he still loves me I guess. We do keep a bowl in our new bathroom in our new house now in case we ever need to throw up while on the toilet so that we don't clog the sink.


CrucifyAndy

That’s the kind of partner I strive to be


[deleted]

I was eight and fed up of seeing older people in porn so I decided to search “naked 8 year olds” The FBI definitely have my 8yr old ass on some watchlist EDIT: Holy shit, didn’t expect this to blow up


mysticaltater

I, as an 11 year old girl, looked up "11 year old girls breasts" bc I wanted to see if I was developing properly :( couldn't find any topless pics so I believe I did look up naked


Unique_Plankton

Not really shameful but I was a teenager getting a blow job from my ex on a park bench at night in Central Park, Manhattan. A dude jogging by saw this and gave me a thumbs-up which I returned mid-blowjob. NYC is such a wild place lol


thanospurplebussy

I fucked my pillow. Not even one of those anime girl pillow. Just a regular one. I put on one of my sister's bra on it filled 2 water balloons for realism. And i put my shirt on it for extra touch. And just started humping the fuck out of the pillow while grabbing the water boobs. I came. The balloon popped. My bed was wet. Post nut clarity hit and i realized i was naked and sexually harassed my own pillow.


Jerok88

The screwing the pillow part isn't the embarassing bit bro. Your sisters bra? Lmao.


Beneficial_Car2596

Note to future self: don’t use siblings bra


Tel-aran-rhiod

Wyd, step pillow


StugaN3

When i was 12, i was alone at home after school, felt horny as 12 year old boys felt, tuned into PH, put on my headset and started to go to work. Just as im about to finish, i see my younger brother and his friend walk into my room, and they both watch me climax. They did a 180, and left my room, without saying a word until they got to my brothers room, then they started laughing, and the "i dont wanna live on this planet anymore"-meme sums up my experience. We never said a word about it, and i hope they have forgotten this, but that is probably unlikely...i know i wouldnt.


christinlewin

“Forgotten about this” Meanwhile, 3 posts down. . . . “When I was 9, my friend and I walked into my brother’s room and saw him whacking off”


chalk_in_boots

I was 15/16ish, first real girlfriend and I getting hot and heavy on my Dad's couch. Small apartment but he's a doctor and was never home, supposed to be at work that day an hour away so all good right. I hear the door open and yell "Stop don't come in!!!" but he's an idiot and walks in on us buck naked holding the cushions over the appropriate regions. ​ The more shameful thing was a year later, I was doing the same with a different gal, and hear the door. He had very much said he was working that night so I was confused. Turned out my mum had some emergency so he picked up my older sisters and brought them to stay for a few days (they lived with mum, me with him). It's a small apartment but you have to take about 8-10 paces before you could see past the corner to the couch, and this time when I yelled he had the good sense to hold my sisters back and tell them to wait. A very quick application of clothes (some underwear not included), and one walk of shame past my family and I waved her goodbye.


Agreeable_Thing2310

Took a pic of my own dick and jacked off to it Twice


IPetFatTurkeys

Sigma Grindset


luckymahou

One time my best friend in highschool brought this weird lotion to school. It was a hand lotion that had glitter, smelt really nice, but when you’d squeeze it out it was…. Bubbly? And when you rubbed your hands together the lotion would fizz in your hand, kinda like liquid pop rocks or intense carbonation. It was so fascinating and I always asked to use it on my hands. My friend took a notice, and… They bought some for me as a gift for… My birthday? Maybe Christmas? I don’t entirely remember. Either way they gave me some. It stayed in my bed for a while, and lingered around my room. Until one fateful night browsing porn…. I remembered it’s existence. Thought it would feel really nice to put, ya know, down there while i masturbated. It would be a fizz on my vag n i was interested. Put a tiiiny bit on my finger and tested it… Barely felt it but what I did feel was strange so I grabbed a whole handful and smacked it on there. The pain I felt was so immense and sudden, it was like a burning, hot fire between my legs. Got up immediately waddling through the hallway like i shat myself and hopped in a bath. At like, midnight. Even after washing it, it had a lingering feeling, like when you literally burn yourself w fire. I think the hand lotion was also a disinfectant? Afterwards my vagina was super dry, but i mean, it was probably extremely clean and it smelt nice so. Yeah, LOL. TLDR : put fizzy hand lotion/disinfectant on my vagina and it hurted very bad :( EDIT : WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID EVERYONE LIKE THIS HELP ME thank you guys 😭😭😭


Mr-Fliffi

>so I grabbed a whole handful and smacked it on there the picture this paints is hilarious :D


computerx138

but different


joshbosh1

One drunken night my now wife and I took some naughty photos on her digital camera. The next day we took a drive an hour from home and we get a text from her mum to let us know she’s borrowed the camera for a girls trip to Center Parcs. What could we say, we were stunned at what was happening. For some reason, we chose to say nothing. Fast forward to later that day whilst looking through photos of the day with all her friends a photo of her daughter with her boyfriends junk in her mouth flashes on the screen. Every now again this comes up as an anecdote during family dinners because her family find it an amusing story whilst I sit there and get lower and lower in my chair.


Ok-Crow-7042

This isn’t so much one about me as it is my friend but I was there to witness it. My friend has a very strict mom but she really liked me so I got to hang out at their house a lot me and my friend became very close and they were very religious so I had no idea my friend being a 12-13 year old Christian that he would do anything sexual in the slightest. To my surprise one time I went to his house and it was normal up until the next morning when we were eating breakfast and his mom went through his phone. Out of no where she comes into the kitchen and yells my friends name and says “WHY ARE YOU LOOKING UP BIGGEST BOOBS BIGGEST BUTTS” I turned to my friend trying to hold back a laugh but he was not amused he went into a room with his mom and to make matters worse he said he’s only done it a couple times it’s not a big deal. His mom calmed down and talked to us both about how there’s no light in looking at girls with big privates online. I have never brought this back up to my friend but man it was so funny


Porkrinder_58

Here goes. I was 13 and had found my moms vibrating bullet while she was at work. A little thing coated in rubber with a wire coming out the bottom leading to a little remote to control intensity. I had recently learned guys have g-spots from that scene with Sean Scott in road trip(milking the prostate). I was curious so I proceeded to fully insert it to test it out. Didn’t feel a thing from it even at highest setting so figured it was time pull it out except it wouldn’t budge. I was getting worried and tugging with more and more force when the wire snapped off leaving just the bullet inside. Had a mini panick attack before deciding to try pooping it out which worked. I then washed it several times because the smell of poop on it just refused to go away. I finally gave up and packed it back away where I found it with wire snapped and still smelling of poop. My mom never brought it up and I banned ass play from my life forevermore😅🤦‍♂️😑


ValaShen

At that point, I would have just thrown it out. What's she gonna do, ask you where her vibrator is? lol


LegendaryDraft

Holy fffff, that sounds terrifying.


MaxTheRealSlayer

Ok this here is the worst one so far


chicane_79

You're lucky. She could have had to drag you down to ER to get part of a vibrator surgically removed.


Freevoulous

My HS girlfriend, many decades ago, giving me an enthusiastic blowjob. Right at the very moment when I came her mother came home. It startled my GF to the point she accidentally inhaled my cum, and jumped up, headbutting me in the nose. Literally seconds after her mum burst into her room to see her daughter buck nude, on all fours, coughing out jizz like a cat with a hairball, and me, buck nude, with a rock hard erection and covered in blood.


jejcicodjntbyifid3

>see her daughter buck, nude, on all fours, coughing out jizz like a cat with a hairball, Hahahah good description


rpresserreturns

"And what do you call yourselves?" "The Aristocrats."


Truthgamer2

That poor woman


phileo

Which one?


GenZofficial

Lmao, you know those stories that someday you can look back on and laugh? I don’t think this is one of those for the mother


Comical_Lizard

I was at a company mandatory HR meeting with one of my colleagues. This colleague who we will name G was a NSFW person in general. He was always funny as hell but the shit he used to say was so awful. He would always make racist jokes about himself or others (he was middle eastern descent and joked about flying planes, going kaboom or experimenting with pressure cookers at work, etc). At 9am the lovely HR rep was going into a presentation about racism and what not to say or do or it will get ourselves or the company sued. She was going over a case that a factory that employed alot of Mexicans had a white supervisor that called an employee "taco". Now already this sounds ridiculous to myself a 20 year old that was half asleep. The HR rep also goes on to say that "tacos" son also needed a job. When taco's son started working there full time the racist supervisor started calling him "taquito"... I died. I started laughing and immediately looked at my friend G who just looked at me dead pan. The dude who I expected to make the situation even more hilarious failed me. I was laughing alone and immediately knew I fucked up. Thankfully no additional meeting and I didn't have to talk to anyone one on one but damn I'll never forget.


JoeyDotnot

Something similar to this happened to me in middle school. One day we where watching an anti-bulling movie, and two girls in the movie started talking about a girl they knew getting cyberbullied. They start talking about all of the insults people would tell her which were just simple insults, but to a 12 year old sleep depraved me they were all hilarious. I finally couldnt hold in my laugh and laughed loudly so the whole class could hear, just before the girls say "she killed herself". Not even the "laugh at everything" kids laughed.


hokomonococo

In high school my gf wanted me to send a vid jacking off through Snapchat. My phone was sorta broken and glitched a lot. Well half an hour later she calls me and tells me “YOU POSTED IT ON YOUR STORY!!” Sure enough I had posted a video of myself spanking the monkey for all my friends to see. My phone had glitched and thought I’d pressed the story button as well as sending it to her


lonelygamer428

my absolute worst nightmare


opensandshuts

me two days later: "hey everyone, I lost my phone three days ago and need everyone's numbers again since I no longer have the phone. Thanks!"


[deleted]

this has to be the worst one here. I would move countries if I did that


ImReellySmart

Bro can you give us the follow up of what came next? This is legit your villain backstory.


hokomonococo

I was a freshman dating a hot junior. I think people ended up being jealous more than anything. I was most embarrassed about my best female friend seeing it, we kind of stopped talking after that


randoguy98

He came next, didn't you read ? :)


rjisont

It’s not that bad but I had been masturbating with a bullet vibrator and then when I finished my dog grabbed it from under my pillow and my step dad found her chewing it. Then a second time I got a new sex toy and the same dog grabbed the packaging and dropped it at my mums feet :(


broken-neurons

Let’s just say that semen shows up under black light in nightclubs, even on your face. Do wash your face thoroughly after a facial.


Its402am

Short dumb story. I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time during my first year of college. I was a super sheltered, traditional Christian-raised dummy (was taught a lot of stuff incorrectly and had to relearn everything late in life, on my own, usually only as it came up), and was very paranoid of pregnancy / thought of sex before marriage as super taboo, so I definitely felt like a badass playing with fire. At the end I let him finish on my chest, and then showered it off. Fun was had. Fast-forward to like a week later. I’m visiting my mom when I have a thought. “If I had cum on my chest, and then in the shower it ran down my front, and then I washed my…could I get…?” I got up in the middle of the night and used her computer to start Yahoo Answers-ing myself into tears. I didn’t dare make a post myself in case it lead back to me somehow, but unsurprisingly, a lot of people had similar concerns from identical situations, and a lot of other people said “ya u can get pregnart that way”. My mom heard me and came out to ask what was wrong. So 19 year old me started ugly-crying and I basically told my mom I let my boyfriend jizz on my tits and I think I’m pregnant please don’t hate meeee. Epilogue is that she basically eye-rolled at me and said that the chances of getting pregnant for that bordered on ridiculously low if not impossible and told me to get on birth control. My mom is actually great, she was just given very bad info when it came to educating me about stuff like sex. And that’s the story of how I came to tell my mom my bf gave me a pearl necklace and I thought I could get pregnant from it.


Life-Entertainer7868

Can u get pergantane?


Sal79

How is babby formed?


BookerTea3

When I was 10, we were playing hide and seek in Cubs. I was hiding in the loft and was the only one in my team that hadn't been found, I knew if I moved I'd get caught, so i took a shit on the floor.


OMNIPOTENTSL0TH

Dozed off after beating meat. Door slightly ajar. Friend came over. (No not literally).


Littleruntxo

I have a few but one that sticks out is this. So when I was a teenager I was having sex with a guy I worked with, and I had worked a 15 hour shift and I was so tired and the sex was quite frankly boring as hell. So don’t ask me how, but I started to fall to sleep. (This guy was kind of a creep now I look back on it and definitely could tell but definitely didn’t care). I was in that state where I’m practically asleep but still a bit there and I guess I started dreaming. In my dream I went back into work and was looking for my friends. I saw one of them and she smiled and ran over to me, so i shouted “HI CHARLIE!!” To her. Well with that I snapped back to reality and woke up, and I realised that I had actually shouted it out loud, very loud, and this guy was staring down at me with a veryyy confused look on his face. To my detest every time I saw him at work after that he greeted me with “HI CHARLIE”.


[deleted]

So I’ll preface this by saying my girlfriend(at the time) and I and all our family are white. We lived in a small town with very little diversity so everyone pretty much only spoke English. So girlfriend and I decided to learn Spanish. Took it several years in High School and we both got pretty fluent with it. So we would talk Spanish to each other when we wanted to have private talks or talk dirty with each other when others were around. I still vividly remember having a super dirty conversation at her family’s dinner table while the family was totally oblivious. We thought it was awesome that no one knew what we were saying. We dated for a good 2 or 3 years in High School. One day in college(long after we had broken up) she called me to tell me that she had just found out her dad speaks and had spoken perfect Spanish for a very long time. So apparently he heard every conversation/dirty talk we had and just never said anything or gave any reaction. I still get embarrassed thinking back to the stuff we talked about thinking no one would hear us.


Mysterious_Editor698

I jerked it next to a tesla at midnight in a car park, it was an experience that’s for sure


HazyInfidel

Don't tesla's have cameras?


j_foster01

They have a lot of cameras.